Inane Banter

Mixed Messages from the Airport Industry

I read today that Milan airport had to close due to a hare infestation. Apparently the little buggers are swarming over the runways and getting stuck under the wheels of landing planes. Now I’m no aviation expert but that sounds like a bad thing. To a plane it must be the equivalent of stepping out of the bath onto a bar of soap.

All of this must be very confusing to the young male employees at the airport. For years the advice they’d been given had to be reversed.

No longer is, “if there are hares on the runway it’s safe to get your undercarriage out” true.

Inane Banter


Watch out, today we were all warned of a terrible creature coming our way. You have 5 years to prepare. 5 years from now the mighty Zor will descend upon London wreaking havoc amongst the terrified populous. Whole town will be flattened, families ripped asunder, milk soured and other terrible fates await us.

The might Zor!

My mistake, it’s something far worse, it’s the new London 2012 Olympics logo. The only way I can even bear to look at it is to imagine that a Blue Peter competition was held to design the logo and this was the entry in the under fours category by little Timmy. It wasn’t even the best entry but little Timmy has a terrible wasting disease so they fudged the results a little.

Sadly I don’t think little Timmy really had a hand in the design. I’d imagine a team of achingly cool designers sat in an shiny glass studio in a scarily expensive part of London sipping champagne out of virgins’ quims whilst Seb Coe spunked cash at them for a year.

After a year of fannying about they realised they had a day before the deadline to produce a symbol to make the entire nation proud. Luckily one of the designers still had an old school book lying around from when he was a kid in the late ’80s. Despite being from a middle-class background, living with two professional parents, studying a nice school with skin of the purest white he yearned to be black. So when he wasn’t studying hard he was doodling graffiti in his margins. Being brought up in a leafy suburb of London he hadn’t seen any real graffiti so he had to draw upon his main source of black culture which was probably some yoof program hosted by Janet Street-Porter which occasionally featured some black kids breakdancing in a studio cheaply knocked up by technicians to like a street. Brick wallpaper covered with “graffiti” and a few boxes on the floor, that sort of thing.

Cut a long story short, he copied his old schoolbook, got the work experience kid to add London and 2012 on it in Microsoft Paint, sent an invoice out for 12 squillion quid, job done, back to the virgin champagne fountains.

Now I’m not saying I could do better… Actually I am saying I could do better, with fuzzy felts, in the dark, drunk and with both arms wedged in the aforementioned virgin.


Note – Yes I am aware that ZOR is in fact 2012 but it took me 10 minutes wondering what the silly little shapes had to do with anything. I really hope ZOR does come and wipe out London, hopefully in 2011 before the whole sorry charade kicks off.