Inane Banter

Reality Fix Up

As we all know in the UK there’s nothing on telly these days but soap operas and reality programs. Sorry I forgot about the gritty police dramas that exist purely to give older, under appreciated stars a bit more coverage.

Rather than hark back to the old days of variety (whether that be literally by bring back old 70s comedians and men with puppets or figuratively in terms of challenging drama and frankly just brining back James Burke) I feel we should just take it to next level.

Let’s start making programmes where we try and fix the damage done by reality TV in the first place. House made over by GCSE qualified idiots who think bedrooms should look like brothels? Let’s film it being done over by people who care about interiors, know what real wood looks like and don’t have a crushingly tight deadline.

Appeared on big brother? How about a show that treats you how to develop a TV personality or maybe a photo shoot that doesn’t involve you having to flash your “average” cleavage whilst a slimy man asks you questions that sound normal but willappear in the mag in the form of “do you take it up bourneville avenue?”

Appeared on daytime TV having declared your lust for your brother, maybe speed dating with a room full of look-a-likes.

Sadly the only program I can think of for someone who has wanked off a pig is a porcine version of blind date. I’m buggered if I can think of the questions they’d ask their potential piggy dates.

Maybe that’s a new quiz show right there. “Bugger me until I can think of a question to baffle the panel of brainiacs”

Endemol are free to approach me whenever they’ve filled enough sack of cash.