Inane Banter

The Veg Ages of Man

Don’t ask how I got to this conclusion (especially as I’ll possibly get round to it later) but I’ve calculated you can guesstimate the age of some based on one vegetable. Not any vegetable just one specific one so don’t go trying this with a sprout. That would be silly. It probably helps if they are from the UK. It might work with other areas of the world but as I’m not foreignese I couldn’t say for certain. It may only work with town people too, country folk may be wiser in the ways of veg. I’m not, where I lived we all bought tins to the harvest festival as kids.

Just ask the person what enters their head when you mention the word “marrow.”

A what? – Person probably aged between 0 – 25

I saw them in comics as a kid. 26 -40

We used to have them occasionally when I was young. 41 – 60

I grow them to enter competitions. 60+

It seems to me the marrow has gone the way of offal. Something the older generation had to eat after the war because there was fuck all else. Unlike offal however it’s not packed full of delicious goodness.

This whole marrow thinking came about during one of those non-conversations you have with your partner. The sort that you’d have in your own head only they’re there and don’t seem to be thinking seriously about anything either so why not share.

I was wondering why you got the complete range of sizes for fruit from tiny like redcurrant up to the delightfully large melon. However vegetables seemed to peter out around the manageable potato size. Mrs Fatuous corrected me and pointed out that marrows can grow to stupid sizes. “Of course they can,” I said remembering comic strips featuring marrows the size of small children or proud allotment owners in silly local news pieces just before the weather. It’s probably worth pointing out at this stage that neither of us thought of the pumpkin. I can’t speak for Mrs Fatuous but I’m not even sure whether a pumpkin is a fruit or a vegetable. I know there’s some way of working it out but I forget what it is apart from knowing that tomatoes are funny buggers. Or is that strawberries?

Anyway, why has the marrow fallen from grace whilst the melon and pumpkin remain popular? The answer seems to be the other two don’t keep all their eggs in one basket. Sure you can eat pumpkin (apparently only if you’re American though) but it remains popular as you can hollow it out and make it scary looking every October. Sure you can eat a melon but it remains popular based on the story that goes round schoolchildren about cutting a hole in it, warming in the microwave then fucking it. Granted it’s not as wholesome an idea as celebrating witches etc but it does fill that tricky age gap when trick or treating wears a bit thin.

Marrows need a second job quickly if they are to survive. Maybe they can be marketed as the hardcore sex vegetable for those tired of fucking melons. After years of thrusting away at a cantaloupe you may dabble with a honeydew for a bit of excitement but your real connoisseur of food fucking is sampling the forbidden fruit vegetable that is marrow.

Mr Fatuous would like to point out that he has never had sexual relations with a melon although he does wink suggestively at them from time to time to keep them on their toes.