Inane Banter

Cock Tease

Looking at the website’s logs it appears that my “colourful” language is accidentally attracting people looking for smut rather than idiot comment.

If you are looking for sexy, barely legal, big titted, cum gobbling, slutty, cock sucking, whore MILFs who do anal then I apologise unreservedly. As a way of saying sorry have a picture instead.

Look what you did

Inane Banter

I’d like a Big Wrong please with a side order of Wrong please


Where do you start on this one?

0 secs – You see a lithe female figure on a swing. OK so far.

4 secs – Then you see a bear. Could be a worrying attack but Tony the tiger never mauled anyone so still OK.

5 secs – Wait a fucking minute here, the lithe female has the head of a deer. Why? I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.

13 secs – Oh of course it’s so obvious. Females with the head’s of deer love the manky taste of orangina. Not content with tasting really nasty the keep the evil bits in to make sure you really don’t enjoy it. A fact wasted on she-deer.

14 – 28 secs – My dear God he’s tossed his orangy seed on the ground to grow a flower so he can woo this she-deer. Despite the fact he’s a he-bear. This is like a man shagging a dog!

36 secs – No no no no, there’s load of them strutting round like female prostitute version of manimal gone wrong. Where do they come from? To get the human body somebody must have though having sex with animals or mixing animal eggs with human sperm was an acceptable scientific experiment. It’s like being lent the dodgy VHS copy of Animal Farm at school all over again.

51 secs – Great, the he-bear is wearing pants, just what I needed to see.

101 secs – Can they top this? She-deer has just had the orangina equivalent of a golden shower. All we need now is the animal equivalent of John Holmes to appear and we have 70s porn covered in human-animal form.

114 secs – She-giraffe riding a bottle of orange muck like it’s a giant cock. Check.

129 secs – Bottles spurt just in case you missed the cock reference. Followed quickly by what must be the first representation of orangy cum on she-animal tits.

133 secs – Do you know, I’ve had this hole. A nagging spiritual hole that no church could ever fill, no booze could ever sate. Now I’ve realised what it was. Up until now I’d never seen a creature whip the bra off a panda with a human body before. Now I feel complete.

135 secs – My mistake. Up until now I’d never seen an octopi with human bits use oranges as a metaphor for lactating breasts.

145 secs – My life will never be quite the same again. No matter how hard I try I’ll never be able to wipe those 145 seconds from my brain.

On the plus side goatse holds no fear for me now.

Inane Banter

The milk of human stupidity

“Why do we not drink rats’ milk, cats’ milk or dogs’ milk?” asks Heather Mills.

Let’s break it down animal by animal to explain to the poor woman.

Dog’s Milk – Dog’s are too intelligent to be milked. Cow’s have the decency to stare blankly ahead whilst being milked. If you could get a dog to stop running around long enough to start milking it the creature would look at you inquisitively throughout until you’d have to blurt out, “my God, what am I doing, this is so wrong, don’t look at me like that, I’m sorry, I’ll buy you a nice bone, let’s never talk of this again.”

Cat’s Milk – Also an intelligent animal. Only instead of inquisitive looks it would be more a look of “what the fuck do you think you’re doing you muppet?” Secondly, and possibly more importantly, cats scratch and bite. A lot. I really don’t want my milk to have rich, thick head of blood on it.

Rat’s Milk – I’m going to skim past the whole “vermin” issue. Given time we could recondition ourselves not to think of rats as disgusting little shits. Granted it would take about as long as it would take us to not think “money grabbing bint” every time we see Heather Mills but we would get there in the end. Already I’m starting to think of Heather suckling a rat more than her rolling in a pit of money like a monoped Scrooge McDuck. No the real issue that seems to have escaped Heather is that rats are really quite small. Rat’s are small, we like lots of milk. Cows big – lots of milk, rats small – tiny amount of milk.

I propose we reduce the global warming problem by reducing hot air. Let’s start by firing Heather and Sheryl “one sheet” Crow into space.

Inane Banter

Lies – damned lies – and fatistics

The Times have released a breakdown of the number of people on benefits in the UK.

Out of all the people 2,000 are too fat to work. How fat do you need to be before you can’t work? Surely the world of darts have a few openings or maybe Frey Bentos need new tasters. How rotund must someone get before their podgy little arms cannot reach a keyboard? Can’t ITV bring back the wrestling? How do they get through the door of the job centre?

15,600 people received benefits for “malaise and fatigue” which as far as I can tell is the polite way of saying “lazy fucker who doesn’t give a shit.” I want to know when my share of the loot is on the way? In the Encylopedia Fatanica under both words you’ll find a picture of me. Well you would do if somebody would just write it for me.

8,100 for “dizziness and giddiness.” How in the name of all that is work-shy do you get off work through giddiness? I wasn’t aware “holding your breath for a long time,” “putting your head on a broom and spinning round and round,” “being an aunt” or “childrens’ roundabout tester” were real jobs.

I’ve decided I want a piece of this cash but what to claim under? I’ve decided I should claim on my wrists, specifically my left wrist. Ever since I was a child I’ve been cursed with this faulty wrist. My problem? I’ve never once found a watch that fits it properly. The watch either has to be so tight that my hand turns red or loose enough that when I go to look at the time it’s swivelled around and I end up looking at the buckle. Think of the mental torment I have to go through any time anybody asks me the time. It also pays havoc on work conditions as it’s very hard to clock watch if you have to contort your arm every time.

Surely that’s got to be worth something?

Inane Banter

Tin Foil Hats Are So Last Year Dear

Want to stop the thought police getting into your head? Scared the FBI are picking up on your conspiracy that the win tower bombing were done by remote controlled hamsters aimed by jewish lizards from another dimension? Or simple scared your mother can see those dirty thoughts in your head?

Sure you could get yourself an old fashioned hat made of tin foil but why settle for second best when EMFields have had this stylish alternative.

Oh bee-have

My favourite bit is the last line
You can wear the headnet in the garden, when travelling or when visiting places where microwave exposure is likely to be high e.g. shopping centres. 

OK, in the garden you might get mistaken for a harmless bee-keeper but if you wear that to a shopping centre then I wouldn’t be worrying about the damage microwaves can do to your brain. It’d be far too late.

Inane Banter

Car Jack (Off)

What’s the world coming to when a young man can’t go for a spin without a licence, pull over, watch a porno and enjoy a cold beer without Johnny Copper taking an interest?

It doesn’t say what car he was driving but most wankers I’ve seen drive BMWs.

Inane Banter

Just In Superb Monikers

Are the people who come up with names just not getting out anymore?

Firstly from Sony, the Soft Leather Carrying Case LCS-TWA/T


Look at the flaps on that!

China fights back at the Japanese thanks to the exciting world of Electrochemical synthesis.


That’s copper nano tubes to you or I.

Let’s hope Europe can enter into the spirit with something like Cadbury’s Minge.


If Variety is the Spice of Life…

…our work vending machine is like buying scampi and chips at a curry house.

Here is the crisp section of our vending machine.

Mmmm tasty

The camera on my phone isn’t great so I’ll describe it for you.
The top row consists of bags of cheese and onion crisps. The sort that have ridges.
The next row consists of a bag of ordinary cheese and onion crisps, a sneaky bag of salt ‘n’ shake crisps hiding another bag of cheese and onion crisps, spring onion crisps which taste identical to the first bag of cheese and onion crisps and then a bag of cheese and onion crisps by a different company.
The last row is a packet of “low fat” cheese and onion crisps and prawn cocktail.

The empty slot you see probably contained another nasty flavour like beef but at least it wasn’t fucking cheese and wanking onion so it was snapped up like it was made of Keeley Hazell.

I went for the prawn cocktail and pretended that Keeley just hadn’t washed for a while.

Inane Banter

The only thing they should scratch is their arses

People say the national lottery is an idiot tax. You can see why, you have a very small chance of winning. Some people buy the odd ticket or are in a work syndicate. However there is a strange correlation between the amount of benefits you receive, the number of ASBOs you have, the number of debt collectors you’re on first name terms with and the amount of tickets you buy.

Further down the evolutionary chain are people who buy scratch cards. I don’t know why but scratch cards appeal to a certain type of person. If you wanted to find the missing link I’d advise you to look for fossilised scratch cards first. They’ll not be far away.

Thanks to Camelot for proving this.

Inane Banter

Those who can, strip

We’ve all done it, you go to book a gorillagram and accidentally book a stripper instead (Broken link removed).

You really have to feel sorry for the poor kid. Before I even start on the mix up everything embarrasses you when you’re 16. Every tiny little mistake repeats itself in your head over and over again until you’re convinced every being on the planet has spotted that mistake and is spending every waking moment wondering how stupid you are. Add into the mix that everything your parents do for you in front of your friends is really embarrassing no matter what it is. We’ve got quite a potent little potion bubbling away already. Now let’s break it down.

  1. Mom thinks it would be a good idea to organise a gorillagram to go to school for her son’s 16th birthday. Wrong! Nobody over the age of five finds people dressed as gorillas funny and everybody under five finds them terrifying.
  2. Teacher agrees to video the whole thing. Wrong again! The poor kid is going to have to look like a tit in front of the entire school. The last thing he wants is video proof of this. It would leap to the top of the school video ring within minutes usurping “Jugs 37” and “Teen killer slash flick 12”
  3. The agency sends a stripper dressed as a policewoman instead of a gorilla due to a booking error. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but the addresses of most schools usually contain the word “school” in them. At no point during the phone call between the agency and the stripper did either of them think it strange that the client was at a school.
  4. The stripper turns up as asked the boy to stand up. At this point we must bear in mind that she is dressed as a policewoman and we’ll have to assume the teacher is out the back smoking. Boy obviously doesn’t know she’s a stripper so stands up.
  5. She then puts on a Britney track and gets out a collar and lead. Now I’m not in the habit of being arrested by the police but last time I checked a collar and lead hasn’t replaced good old fashioned handcuffs. Nor has the siren been replaced by “Hit me baby one more time.” Alarm bells should have been ringing at this point. I can only assume the teacher involved wasn’t a biology teacher. A biology teacher would have twigged straight away that gorillas don’t look like that, even gorillas who happen to be wearing police uniforms.
  6. He’s called a naughty boy for not doing his homework. Not doing your homework could be considered naughty but in no way a criminal offence. In no way a criminal offence necessitating the arrival of a police officer and the immediate detention of the boy in question. With a lead and collar.
  7. He’s is then whipped by the policewoman. Corporal punishment in schools has been banned for some time now. Did the teacher think s/he’d gone to daily mail heaven? Kids today know what their rights are. At no point during the whipping did he turn round and go, “leave it man, you can’t touch me or nuffink, touch me and I’m calling paedo ya got me.”
  8. The the stripper starts too do what strippers do best, take her clothes off and bring out the whipped cream. I’m assuming it was whipped cream, I’ve never heard of a stripper using single cream, and it’s always from a squirty can. I’ve no idea what strippers did before the days of squirty cream, maybe that the victim had to wait patiently whilst the stripper whipped the cream in the corner of the stage?
  9. Suddenly the teacher twigs that something is awry. I’m not sure if it was the stripping or the whipped cream that triggered it. Maybe they thought whipped cream was banned under Jamie Oliver’s healthy school meals scheme?

One thing that isn’t mentioned in the article was at what stage the boy got wood. When you’re 16 you can quite happily stand to attention for absolutely no reason. I used to get it on Friday afternoons almost without fail purely because the lesson I had then allowed me to sit by a window and it got a bit warm and I’d feel sleepy. Sleepy was not the dwarf by the way.

One kid I used to know accidentally got a chubby whilst out and about. The nearest thing to him at the time was a dog. By near I mean about twenty foot away. They didn’t stop him getting a reputation for being a dog fucker though.

So to add to the misery at some point he’s going to have made a trouser tent in front of the whole school and a video camera. I think it’s fairly safe to say he’s going to have wanted the ground to open up and swallow him.

Some stranger banging on about it on the internet isn’t going to help much either. Still, chin up mate, there’s a guy going round who spent years having people barking at him.