More Meat-based Fun

As promised last week here’s the second recipe for making meat equivalent snacks of sweets. This week it’s a meat dip. Sounds delicious already doesn’t it? This recipe is even easier than last weeks.



A carton of choc dips
A peperami
Tomato Ketchup


Eat the choc dip. I chose to go om nom nom whist eating it. You can use any sound effects you like.

No more choc dip


Now it’s time to make the meaty version.

Fill the choc container part with tomato ketchup. You can wash that bit first if you can be bothered. I couldn’t so I took the gamble of a tomato / chocolate mish-mash. It was fine in the end. Squirty ketchup bottles would be far easy than the glass ones. Who uses glass ketchup bottles these days. Get with the plastic program Grandad, no you don’t even need a knife to get the stuff out!

Tommy K is the best of all red sauces

Now we need the meaty dips. Using a spare bready stick thing from the choc dip I cut the peperami to length. You get about 3 bits from a peperami if you’ve accidentally eaten all the sticks and are having to guess.

You’ll have noticed the meat is thicker than the stick so you’ll have to cut each bit in half lengthways. Warning – Wild peperami can be tricky creatures. They like to dive out of the way at the last second so you cut through your finger instead. If in doubt ask an adult. What do you mean you are an adult?

Dangerous meat, tamed.

Now you can pop them in the pot and your meaty snack is complete.


All that remains left to do now is enjoy!


No I don’t know what’s going on with my eyes. I mustn’t have slept well.
No idea what’s going on with my face either. I’m sure it doesn’t look like that normally.
Yes I am wearing the same t-shirt as last week. That’s because I did them at the same time. The weeks gap is a man-made delay in a desperate attempt to create tension. That and I know I’ll probably be too busy to do anything for a while again. I’m nothing if not inconsistent.

Feel free to suggest other fun food / drink ideas and maybe I’ll do them for you. Normal moaning service will resume soon.


Meaty Double Dips

This recipe is sadly nothing to do with the pornographic practice of double dipping, not that I would know anything about such a practice and even if I did, which I don’t, I wouldn’t advertise such a fact on the internet.

No, this recipe is for people who love kiddie sweets but who love the great taste of meat more.


ingredients you will need

Peperami or other thin salami type snack
A packet of Double Dip (possibly two in case of mistakes)
Cayenne pepper or chilli flakes
A craft knife or scissors


Carefully open the packet of Double Dip. I sliced one side of the top with a craft knife. Empty the contents out. These won’t be used again so I tried to make a nice zen garden.

swizzle zen

I then made a new label based on the existing one. In reality I just stuck the Meat Fairy from the wondrous Beaver and Steve onto the packet and changed the wording slightly. If you want to do this at home but can’t be bother with the packet here’s a copy of the label. Here it is in all it’s glory.


The Fillings

To create the first filling I emptied the peanuts into a bowl.

you must be nuts

Then I carefully put the nuts back leaving the dry roasted dust behind. It’s this dust we want. If you wanted to make it super meaty you could use pork scratching dust instead. Some nuts leave more dust than others. It’s a nut lottery but supermarket home brands seem to be better. This packet was useless.

Nut dust city

Then we carefully insert the powder into one of the slots in our packet.

get in!

For the second slot I used cayenne pepper and inserted it in the same way. It’s nice to get two different flavours.

To make the meat swizzle stick I took a peperami and cut it to the same length as the original swizzle stick.

chop chop

Then I stuffed it into the packet. This can be a bit tight. Anyone who has seen Richard Herring’s ménage à un will know what I’m talking about. Check out clip two (and then buy the DVD.) You may chose to slice the peperami in half to make it easier. As a found out for next weeks recipe slicing a peperami in half is actually quite tricky if you don’t want to lose a lot of blood. I’m such a tease, mentioning next week’s recipe before I’ve even finished this one.

not at all like gay sex


All that’s left to do is kick back, relax and enjoy the meaty taste. Or if you’re me you could also try having a shave instead of looking like a fucking tramp.

where's me special brew?

More meaty fun next week!

Inane Banter

Northern Irish Sport Must Die!

Warning sense, rationality and logic will not be found in this post. In it’s place you will find swearing, vitriol and gushing bile.

Firstly I don’t watch a lot of television. I hate soap operas. Years ago you could avoid them by going out a few nights a week. Now they’re on every day with omnibuses in case you happen to get a life by accident one day. However they are very popular (like boy bands and happy slapping) so you can see why they fill schedules.

Documentaries have steadily become so dumbed down there isn’t any point in watching them if you’ve read a book in the past 20 years. I don’t need programmes to tell me that fat girls who drink 20 units a night, smoke heavily and have unprotected sex with strangers are not doing themselves any good. David Attenborough is still whispering about animals. They still get born, shag, kill a bit then get killed themselves only now in high def.

Reality TV got boring years ago. Celebrities brightened up the tired format for a few years but now they’ve ran out of celebrities and the same faces pop up more often than an afternoon playing speed “Guess Who” with a child on pure E numbers.

What I do like however is a nice bit of comedy. Not especially sit-coms which have been generally weak for years now. I like light, throwaway quizshows and the stand-up comedians. Stuff that’ll make me chuckle and if I’m distracted by something I don’t especially mind as there’s no plot and a laugh will be along in a minute.

Apparently the programme schedulers in Northern Ireland hate programmes I like. They can’t stand them. Specifically the sports programmers. Any excuse and the schedulers happily replace whatever I want to watch with some turgid match or other. The match is always shown at around 9:30pm. Heaven forbid it would interfere with the viewing habits of the soap ghouls or be shown live. Instead my programmes are replaced by nasal rat-boy Stephen Watson fawning over some shitty footballer who wouldn’t make it into an English non-league team.

This is made all the more annoying by the fact that people in Northern Ireland don’t watch Northern Irish teams play football. They couldn’t give a shit. Your football teams are chosen at birth based on the religious beliefs of your parents and they are Scottish and/or English, never Northern Irish. So I despair as the humorous antics on “have I got news for you” is yet again replaced by Ballyshithole Vs Kilcuntsville. For the 5 seconds it takes for me to realise this the viewing figures are doubled.

I’ve gotten used to my BBC comedy being ruined but tonight I should be watching Al Murray and his pub landlord based chat show. Instead I’m typing this blog because in NI we’ve got Kelly’s Sporting Heroes. I quote “Gerry celebrates the local sports people who have put Northern Ireland firmly on the map.”

To paraphrase – fat, beardy, twat who should have jacked it in years ago, Gerry Kelly tries desperately to find a sporting “hero” from Northern Ireland who hasn’t drank himself to death or wrapped his head round a lamppost  on a motorbike. Apparently whilst typing this I’m missing George Best’s sister managing to avoid talking about alcohol and spousal abuse, some footballing guy I’ve never heard of who now does the Spanish commentary for Sky Sports, Pat Jennings who is at least famous mainly I believe for being very tall in Top Trumps, fans of a bike bloke, not even the bloke himself having hoofed himself into trees at high speed 8 years ago.

The shows highlights to me appear to be a blind water skier called Janet Gray. People always say that when you’re deprived of a sense your other senses become better to compensate. Janet appears to have picked a sport where her other finely honed senses are going to be fuck all use. Janet doesn’t need to be Daredevil to know that when your hearing is muffled, you taste salt, you smell liquid and feel wet you’ve fallen off.

Saving the big guns ’til last Gerry chats to Dennis Taylor. He will of course always be fondly remembered for being jolly, ginger and wearing stupid fucking glasses. Oh he also used to play a pub game.

Worst of all they never once cancelled “Give my head peace” the home grown”comedy” that managed to drag one joke kicking and screaming for about 600 series.

Inane Banter

Ark at the Nutters


Somebody has clearly been at the “blood of Christ.”

Is it me or is chief nutter Reuben clearly George W. Bush.

Heads up. All of you sitting there thing “I wish he’d shut up and just eat something stupid again,” won’t have much longer to wait. Hopefully this weekend.

Nearly forgot the link to the demo!