Inane Banter

Super-sized Wrongness served on a bed of Wrong

I thought animal-human hybrids sexing up was wrong. It still is but this is far worse.

Sex with dead model ‘was wrong’

Mark Dixie claimed he did not realise she was dead until after he had sex with her body, the Old Bailey heard.

Did he not try the usual methods? Checking for a pulse, mirror in front of the mouth, watching for the chest raising and falling. The sort of thing they might teach you on a first aid course. If you turn up on a course and a friendly nurse suggests the best way to check is to stick your bits into someone at the very least leave the course. Preferably report them.

Giving evidence, he said: “I don’t know what went through my mind. I took full advantage of someone and I should not have done it.”

Let’s just take a quick look at what Mark Dixie classes as taking advantage of somebody is? Maybe it’s buying them a few drinks, lying about being interested romantic comedies, claiming to like cats?

Prosecutors allege Mr Dixie stabbed her seven times and raped her as she was dead or lay dying.

I’m sorry, that’s a bit more than “taking full advantage of someone.” That’s like claiming to sneak the odd shampoo out of a hotel whilst walking through the door with the shampoo, a bed, last night’s takings and a maid under your arm.

“All I saw was a pair of legs… shirt put down to the waist and I took advantage of her.

Anthony Glass, QC, defending, asked if he thought she was dead or unconscious.

If I was Anthony I would probably have pointed out to Mark that just so he knew, there wasn’t a “right” answer here.

Mr Dixie said: “I would not have expected to see anyone dead in that street.

I don’t expect to see Noel fucking Edmonds walking down my street. If I did my first thought wouldn’t be, “Wow Noel Edmonds, how unusual, I’d better have a piece of him as he’s here.”

But he admitted there was no reaction during the sex attack, even when he bit Miss Bowman.

Again, why not check the pulse. There’s usually some reaction to sex even if it’s just boredom or cramp. You still don’t just bite them.

So in summary he’s accused of
Stabbing some poor woman to death and raping her either while she was dying or after she was dead.

His genius defence is
I found someone unconcious lying in the street so I fucked her and covered her body in concrete dust.

Mark, if you are going to lie in court try and make your defence sound in some way less despicable than what the prosecution are saying.

Inane Banter


Ah isn’t it lovely, the first Australian baby elephant is due to be born.

But wait, it’s not lovely because the mother is some dirty under-age slapper.

But the news sparked an uproar, with the RSPCA and the Greens MP Lee Rhiannon both accusing the zoo of recklessness by allowing an underage elephant to mate.

I’m sorry but if you ask me it’s reckless to stand in the way of two elephants about to get jiggy. It also neglects to mention if Thong Dee, yes even the name makes her sound like a stripper, is currently wearing her trunk in a top knot.

Mr Williams said the father, Gung, had been mating with all the females. “He’s at them all the time. He came on second flight [of elephants]. He got off the flight, had a drink, and mounted Thong Dee.”

Smooth bastard. It’s like the gang of lads landing in Ibiza, grabbing a few beers and then getting nuts deep in a nearby slapper before everybody else has collected their luggage. He probably back in the bar right now getting the other elephants to sniff his trunk.

Food Inane Banter

Pancake 24

Did you enjoy having a little toss the other day? I’m talking pancakes of course.

We all know the story behind Shrove Tuesday even if we’re not entirely sure what a shrove is. Many, many years ago the baby Jesus wanted to get away from it all with a nice break and decided to make sandcastles in the desert.

Before he went the locals decided he’d need feeding up before going out there.
“Would you like a nice plate of fatted calf?” they asked.
“No thank you,” replied Jesus.
“What about a nice bit of steak? Scotch egg? Findus crispy pancake? Artic roll? An Easter egg?”
“No, what I want is some really thin fried batter with a bit of sugar and lemon on it,” replied Jesus.
“We’re out of lemons Jesus. All we’ve got is this old plastic lemon with juice in that we haven’t used for a year.”
“That will be fine as long as I get to squirt it myself. Oh and you’re not allowed to turn the pancake with a spatula, you’ll have to flip it.”
“Because I’m the son of God and I say so.”

That is why we still eat pancakes to this day. This year I decided to have a complete meal with two savoury cheese and ham pancakes and then two sweet ones with sugar and lemon. To make it interesting I added a Jack Bauer sense of pressure. Once the first pancake was ready I slid it onto the plate and immediately poured the next load of batter into the pan. I now had the time it took for the next pancake to cook to eat the first one. I did this through all four pancakes whilst imagining being shouted at by a terrorist.

Terrorism lost that day, indigestion had a minor victory.