June 2008 – Fatuous

I was watching some programme or other on the telly the other day and it had children on it. At the end the kids waved goodbye. They were doing the kiddie two hand wave thing where both hands wave maniacally.

Its a wave that only kids do. Adults wave with one hand. If an adult waves with both hands it usually involves the whole arm and it’s a way of getting urgent attention. If it’s not urgent then it tends to be a brief one handed wave of recognition. Young kids wave both both hands from the wrist.

What I can’t remember is what the cut-off age for two hand waving is. Other childish things have clear cut off points and anybody who crosses them gets punished. Woe betide the last boy in class to pee standing up. I still remember when clapping went from both hands together to one hand across the other. Anybody still doing the symmetrical clap got humiliated for, and I’ll warn you now the phrase used wasn’t very PC, spacker-clapping.

As far as I recall the twin waving didn’t have a humiliation stage so I’m not sure when the move to one hand waving came. All I know is that if you think you know someone and start waving then realise you don’t know them it’s far easier to turn the one handed wave into a nonchalant scratch of the head than the turbo twin hander. Maybe that’s the tipping point? Or maybe it’s when you reach pub age and the other hand is occupied with a drink?

Anybody out there have a school tease name for the two handed wave? Any adults still enjoying the two handed wave? How do you recover from it if you realise you’re waving at a complete stranger? Is there such a thing as an incomplete stranger? So many questions.

We’ve had a very unusual run of hot weather lately and as every British man knows hot weather = BBQ. The perfect combination of alcohol and primitive cooking methods.

Off I toddled to the supermarket. First stop to get some charcoal. It’s very important to note I said charcoal not gas. Using gas isn’t having a BBQ that’s just having a crap cooker outdoors. The time it takes charcoal to light is very important for getting a few beers down your neck whilst looking busy.

Then it was time to get the meat. I fancied a change from the usual sausages and burgers so I perused the other meats and was quite taken by marinaded lamb chops. “I’ll just make sure you can barbecue them,” I though and turned the packet over. Sure enough after oven instructions I found the barbecue instructions. They read as follows:

Cook as per oven instructions then place on the barbecue to achieve the barbecue cooked taste

I’m sorry but the way to achieve the barbecue-cooked taste is to barbecue something. You don’t claim to be Hugh Hefner just because somebody with breasts and a vagina bumped into you once.

Disgusted I moved onto a rack of pork ribs. Surely these must be okay on a barbecue. Cavemen cooked with fire and they liked ribs. It must be true I saw it on the beginning to the flintstones and those things were massive and must have been harder to cook. I flipped the packet over

Cook as per oven instructions then place on the barbecue to achieve the barbecue cooked taste

The red mist started to descend. What is the world coming to when a man can’t create a small fire in his own garden to feed family and friends whilst also getting drunk. I headed to the burgers, surely they wouldn’t let me down. Standard barbecue fare since fire began. Beef the safest of all the meats, if you forget all about BSE, you can even eat the stuff raw if you like.

Cook as per oven instructions then place on the barbecue to achieve the barbecue cooked taste

When did it become supermarket law that you could never have a barbecue ever again? I noticed the supermarket even sold barbecues. What are we supposed do with a barbecues if we can’t cook food on them? Dance round them like Arthur Brown?

I bought the ribs and I cooked them on the barbecue. They were lovely, I didn’t get worms and I’m still alive.

IN YOUR FACE JOHN SAINSBURY AND YOUR GIRLY OFFSPRING!