Merry Christmas Everyone

Deary me, Christmas must be going well if you are on the internet today. I’m busy tucking into my Christmas dinner whilst this post magically appears.

Here, as a treat, is a handy summary of all the advent posts to kill some time in your lonely lives.

Day One – A mouse giving it jazz hands.
Day Two – The mouse’s less talented mate.
Day Three – Pyro Panda.
Day Four – I lose the will to live.
Day Five – Alignment issues.
Day Six – Cocking baubles.
Day Seven – I manage to link robins to Blur.
Day Eight – Terry Nutkins Xmas poser.
Day Nine – The stiff corpse of Alan Carr.
Day Ten – Horny squirrel.
Day Eleven – Christmas menus.
Day Twelve – Shit joke alert.
Day Thirteen – An accident waiting to happen.
Day Fourteen – Foot fetish.
Day Fifteen – Wiki to the rescue.
Day Sixteen – Another mouse.
Day Seventeen – Posey Penguin.
Day Eighteen – Bugger me.
Day Nineteen – I fail to make a Paul Hardcastle joke.
Day Twenty – I fuck up the numbering scheme.
Day Twenty One – I fuck up the numbering scheme in a different way although I’m still not sure, which is worse.
Day Twenty Two – Robot Don Estelle.
Day Twenty Three – Action stations kids!
Day Twenty Four – Mmmmm pie.
Day Twenty Five – This one you fucking clown.

If anyone wants me to post them the actual advent calendar then answer the following question.

“I am so brain dessicatingly stupid that I want the crap advent calendar because…”

Best answer wins the advent calendar*

*By “best” I probably mean “only” and by “win” I mean “ends up with.”

Merry Christmas everyone.

Inane Banter


I was in the pub last night enjoying a Christmas drink. The usual Christmas music was blaring out when suddenly a Chas and Dave Christmas mix came on. It was several carols and hymns bolted together by Chas and Dave.

Somebody somewhere must have sat down and thought, “You know these hymns and carols that have been around for generations? The problem is they are just too long and not cockney enough.”


Christmas Eve

Baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus…

Baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus…

Wait a minute? Joseph and Mary appear to be praying to a large cottage pie. Does that mean the true meaning of Christmas is to add carrots, a rich gravy and to grate a bit of cheese on top?

How could we all have been so blind?


Day Twenty Three

Today’s picture acts as a handy reminder for little children.

That’s right kids, time to crank it up a notch. Parent pestering should be reaching critical mass right about now. If mommy and daddy have even one second to think about something other than Christmas in the past few days then you’ve failed.

Go remind them now.

Hang on, what are you doing reading this blog? It’s got swearing and everything!


Advent Videos

Day Twenty Two – The wonder of Woolies

The only way today’s picture could be classed as interesting was if the candy can was being used as a kinky double entry “toy” by a young lady.

It isn’t so it’s handy I have a back-up story.

I was in town today so I decided to pop into Woolworths to see if they had anything left. 2/3rds of the shop was empty but more importantly they were actually selling bits of the shop itself, shelves, racking, that sort of thing. I saw one guy with one of those little things with wheels on that you push around and stand on to reach high shelves. We had one in the school library when I was a little kid. I used to pretend it was R2D2 and try a wheel it around without being told off by the librarian.

Fortunately they had another one for sale at the back of the shop so for 15 quid I now own a bit of Woolies.

I look forward to using it to reach tall things without having to get the ladder out, not just pretending I have a tiny robot at my beck and call. I’ve named it “Little Don Estelle” after the diminutive star of one of the old Woolies ads from my childhood which thanks to the joy of the intertubes you can relive in super-grainyvision.



Day Twentyone

How do you follow up the majestic cock and balls from yesterday?

It’s a lantern. I’ve tried turning it upside down, squinting, doing the “hidden picture” cross-eyed look, tilting the calendar, everything but I still can’t quite get it to look like a vagina. I thought the tufts of foliage might help but it didn’t.

Stupid lamp.


Day 20

What a beautiful display. Traditional yet modern, chic with a hint of chintz, minimalist yet packed with detail, the artist has surpassed himself today.

Yes, the artist has managed to turn a Christmas scene into a cock and balls. He’s even used the flame as the trademark spurt of spunk. Truly genius.


Day Nineteen

This is what the aunt who would later buy you book tokens bought you before you were old enough to use a book token.

On receiving this cheap box of paints you would be expected to look grateful and even kiss said aunt on her ancient, puckered lips.

The only possible fun you could have with the with the paints was creating an impromptu fresco in the lounge while no-one was looking or swiftly trying to eat the blue tablet of paint if they were.


Day Eighteen

It’s a choirboy probably blasting out “little donkey” for all it’s worth.

It’s a rather unfortunate choirboy though. He has a funny sticky-out ear and a dodgy eye.

Worst of all he appears to be lacking a bottom half and as any priest will tell you, a choirboy without a bottom half is no choirboy at all.


Day Seventeen

Oh look, it’s a penguin. Cocky little fucker isn’t even wearing the hat, he thinks he’s Christmassy enough.

Slight problem.

  1. We do not eat penguins at Christmas.
  2. There is no mention of penguins in the bible. I did a search to make sure. Even Noah didn’t have to bother about them what with them being aquatic and all that.
  3. Penguins didn’t visit the baby Jesus. Bethlehem seems to be lacking in ice flows.
  4. “Ah but penguins love snow and Father Christmas lives in a snowy place,” I hear you say. Nice try but Santa either lives in Lapland or the North Pole depending on who you believe. Both are very northerly one is as north as you can get. Penguins are found in the Southern Hemisphere and generally speaking very south at that.

So Mr la-de-da look at me I’m a penguin, put the hat on or get off my advent you un-Christmassy interloper. I don’t care if you’ve got a tux on or not.