Category: Inane Banter

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Advent

Advent of Hate 2011 – Day 16

Not just a Christmas hate today but it has got much worse in the run up to Christmas. Here is an open letter to <insert stupid brand here>

Dear <insert stupid brand here>,

Yes I would like to enter your competition and/or get your discount.

What I would NOT like to do is give you access to lots of juicy details about me, advertise the existence of you to all my friends, risk yet another privacy meltdown and allow you to bombard me with shite until the day I die.

So it is with great regret I won’t “Like” you on Facebook. Nor will I allow you to pollute my twitter feed or any other desperate attempt to get your claws on my social media information. I really don’t want your shiny bauble that much. Don’t worry, I’m sure there are plenty of moronic teenagers who will quite happily let you in on their crappy lives. It will probably involve buying boots that look like they belong to imbecilic spacemen and making their heads look like it has 6 times as much hair as it really does. You get all you deserve.

Not yours,

Mr Fatuous

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Advent

Advent of Hate 2011 – Day 15

I was filling in a pile of Christmas cards last night. That wasn’t what was hateful, it was just tedious. I hate the pre-message inside cards. I wanted to say something along the lines of “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year” but the card already said “Merry Christmas.”

Do you just add “and a Happy New Year” underneath or do you repeat the “Merry Christmas” part? I’m message blind when it comes to cards. I pick the card based on the front but my wife can put down perfectly good cards because she doesn’t like the message inside.

I had to write around 50 cards. That’s 50 moments of doubt and self-loathing in one evening.

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Advent

Advent of Hate 2011 – Day 14

The poor BBC, struggling to product great telly despite the nasty government cutting their cash and the rival owned tabloids trying to do them in. We feel sorry for them and genuinely upset because ITV don’t make programmes like the BBC. Sky don’t so much make programmes as shit them into satelites at great cost. The BBC makes cuts and reorganisations in attempts to spread the money they get. Expensive dramas get pared back a little, comedy gets limited to well known favourites or cheap quiz shows but we all have to tighten our belts in these difficult times.

And then the BBC does this and goes and ruins the whole thing.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loNQgax53Jk[/youtube]

Bad BBC, naughty BBC, no more money hats for you. You’ve gone and spent your months pay check on a PS3, beer and fags whilst your children are starving.

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Advent

Advent of Hate 2011 – Day 13

Wrapping presents to be posted, getting the card list ready, trying to get a small child to bed. All sadly far more important that today’s advent. Sorry.

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Advent

Advent of Hate 2011 – Day 12

Why would anyone take a perfectly good bottle of red wine, bung some pot pourri into it and heat it up until half the alcohol has gone?

Is mulled German for shit?

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Advent of Hate 2011 – Day 11

Even less of an advent today add I am putting up decorations. As enjoyable as the shopping yesterday.

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Advent

Advent of Hate 2011 – Day 10

Mr Fatuous is too busy Christmas shopping to make a post today. He is a man, guess how well it’s going.

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Advent of Hate 2011 – Day 9

Being the dutiful husband that I am I will be dropping Mrs Fatuous off to her Christmas do soon. I will then hang around until the party is over.
I thought, “why not go to the cinema to kill time.”
Why not? Because there are bugger all good films on near Christmas. Seriously, the best film on offer is Sherlock Holmes 2. I despair.
I may spend the night recreating a real Christmas classic by parking in an underground car park and listening to Run DMC instead.

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Advent

Advent of Hate 2011 – Day 8

As a youngster I used to have a recurring dream where I would turn up to school not wearing any trousers. I’d panic until I’d realise it was only a dream and then go back to sleep.

Does somebody want to have a word with the girl from the M & S adverts that walks around in her bra and pants, whilst twiggy and co are fully clothed, that not only is it not a dream but it was actually filmed and shown around the country. Maybe she wakes up in a cold sweat having dreamt she turned up to work wearing trousers?

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Advent

Advent of Hate 2011 – Day 7

The build up to Christmas really kicked off with the adverts. Not the fancy department store adverts (I may do something about one of those tomorrow) but your really classy numbers.

Firstly there was Victor Kiam and whatever shaving based nonsense he bought the company for. Shaving beards, lady gardens and fluff off jumpers was his game and he bought the company to play that game. Nobody every mentions the guy who cared so little for the company he sold it to Victor in the first place and he certainly never took out his own range of adverts.

Then there were the adverts for the range of smelly stuff from Yardley. I was surprised to discover Yardley are still going and yes you can still buy lily of the valley. Yardley must be getting twitchy though, their customer base was old enough in the 70s, there can’t be many of them left by now.

Who have they passed the nasty Christmas advert mantle onto now? There’s Iceland and their “celebrity” “food” adverts. That’s about it unless there are still people stupid enough to think that what blankets really need are sleeves. Of course there are still people stupid enough that the Slanket will continue to be advertised.