Food Poisoning Nanny State

We’ve had a very unusual run of hot weather lately and as every British man knows hot weather = BBQ. The perfect combination of alcohol and primitive cooking methods.

Off I toddled to the supermarket. First stop to get some charcoal. It’s very important to note I said charcoal not gas. Using gas isn’t having a BBQ that’s just having a crap cooker outdoors. The time it takes charcoal to light is very important for getting a few beers down your neck whilst looking busy.

Then it was time to get the meat. I fancied a change from the usual sausages and burgers so I perused the other meats and was quite taken by marinaded lamb chops. “I’ll just make sure you can barbecue them,” I though and turned the packet over. Sure enough after oven instructions I found the barbecue instructions. They read as follows:

Cook as per oven instructions then place on the barbecue to achieve the barbecue cooked taste

I’m sorry but the way to achieve the barbecue-cooked taste is to barbecue something. You don’t claim to be Hugh Hefner just because somebody with breasts and a vagina bumped into you once.

Disgusted I moved onto a rack of pork ribs. Surely these must be okay on a barbecue. Cavemen cooked with fire and they liked ribs. It must be true I saw it on the beginning to the flintstones and those things were massive and must have been harder to cook. I flipped the packet over

Cook as per oven instructions then place on the barbecue to achieve the barbecue cooked taste

The red mist started to descend. What is the world coming to when a man can’t create a small fire in his own garden to feed family and friends whilst also getting drunk. I headed to the burgers, surely they wouldn’t let me down. Standard barbecue fare since fire began. Beef the safest of all the meats, if you forget all about BSE, you can even eat the stuff raw if you like.

Cook as per oven instructions then place on the barbecue to achieve the barbecue cooked taste

When did it become supermarket law that you could never have a barbecue ever again? I noticed the supermarket even sold barbecues. What are we supposed do with a barbecues if we can’t cook food on them? Dance round them like Arthur Brown?

I bought the ribs and I cooked them on the barbecue. They were lovely, I didn’t get worms and I’m still alive.

IN YOUR FACE JOHN SAINSBURY AND YOUR GIRLY OFFSPRING!