Soap Dodger

I was having a wash this morning and I got some in my eyes, which stung like a wasp on cheap super strength cider. As I was checking the tube to see who to swear at I noticed it proudly boasted “SOAP FREE.”

Now I’m not metrosexual (if I was to have sex with a car I’d go for something classier than a rusty old student car) but when exactly did soap become a bad thing? First I had to adapt to soap having bits in, then soap being liquid and coming in a tube and finally being liquid, having bits in and coming in a tube but now I find it doesn’t even have soap in anymore.

It appears that instead of soap I’m now washing with a tube of “with ALLANTOIN.” I’m not even sure that allantoin is the the bit that cleans but it’s the only thing on the front that looks like an ingredient.

Actually there is a bit at the bottom that says “developed with athletes.” This poses a couple of important questions –
Firstly when they say “with athletes” do they mean they extract allantoin from the athlete directly. Am I washing my face in the seepage from a sweaty sportman’s glands? If so then can I have my soap back? I was happy enough wiping my face with whale blubber but this is a step too far.
Secondly if it’s made with the assistance of athletes then I’m sorry I want my money back. If it’s a gloopy liquid for applying to my body then I want it developed by scientists or at the very least beauticians. At least they know about this sort of stuff. What do athletes know about washing your face that I don’t already know? Even if they do somehow know more why aren’t they practicing at running very quick or throwing something very hard instead of mucking around with allantain.

Now wonder the medal tally for GB at the last Olympics was a load of Boswellox.

And most worryingly of all, does this mean the death of the “soapy tit wank?” An allantoin tit wank just doesn’t sound right.