The milk of human stupidity

“Why do we not drink rats’ milk, cats’ milk or dogs’ milk?” asks Heather Mills.

Let’s break it down animal by animal to explain to the poor woman.

Dog’s Milk – Dog’s are too intelligent to be milked. Cow’s have the decency to stare blankly ahead whilst being milked. If you could get a dog to stop running around long enough to start milking it the creature would look at you inquisitively throughout until you’d have to blurt out, “my God, what am I doing, this is so wrong, don’t look at me like that, I’m sorry, I’ll buy you a nice bone, let’s never talk of this again.”

Cat’s Milk – Also an intelligent animal. Only instead of inquisitive looks it would be more a look of “what the fuck do you think you’re doing you muppet?” Secondly, and possibly more importantly, cats scratch and bite. A lot. I really don’t want my milk to have rich, thick head of blood on it.

Rat’s Milk – I’m going to skim past the whole “vermin” issue. Given time we could recondition ourselves not to think of rats as disgusting little shits. Granted it would take about as long as it would take us to not think “money grabbing bint” every time we see Heather Mills but we would get there in the end. Already I’m starting to think of Heather suckling a rat more than her rolling in a pit of money like a monoped Scrooge McDuck. No the real issue that seems to have escaped Heather is that rats are really quite small. Rat’s are small, we like lots of milk. Cows big – lots of milk, rats small – tiny amount of milk.

I propose we reduce the global warming problem by reducing hot air. Let’s start by firing Heather and Sheryl “one sheet” Crow into space.