Those who can, strip

We’ve all done it, you go to book a gorillagram and accidentally book a stripper instead (Broken link removed).

You really have to feel sorry for the poor kid. Before I even start on the mix up everything embarrasses you when you’re 16. Every tiny little mistake repeats itself in your head over and over again until you’re convinced every being on the planet has spotted that mistake and is spending every waking moment wondering how stupid you are. Add into the mix that everything your parents do for you in front of your friends is really embarrassing no matter what it is. We’ve got quite a potent little potion bubbling away already. Now let’s break it down.

  1. Mom thinks it would be a good idea to organise a gorillagram to go to school for her son’s 16th birthday. Wrong! Nobody over the age of five finds people dressed as gorillas funny and everybody under five finds them terrifying.
  2. Teacher agrees to video the whole thing. Wrong again! The poor kid is going to have to look like a tit in front of the entire school. The last thing he wants is video proof of this. It would leap to the top of the school video ring within minutes usurping “Jugs 37” and “Teen killer slash flick 12”
  3. The agency sends a stripper dressed as a policewoman instead of a gorilla due to a booking error. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but the addresses of most schools usually contain the word “school” in them. At no point during the phone call between the agency and the stripper did either of them think it strange that the client was at a school.
  4. The stripper turns up as asked the boy to stand up. At this point we must bear in mind that she is dressed as a policewoman and we’ll have to assume the teacher is out the back smoking. Boy obviously doesn’t know she’s a stripper so stands up.
  5. She then puts on a Britney track and gets out a collar and lead. Now I’m not in the habit of being arrested by the police but last time I checked a collar and lead hasn’t replaced good old fashioned handcuffs. Nor has the siren been replaced by “Hit me baby one more time.” Alarm bells should have been ringing at this point. I can only assume the teacher involved wasn’t a biology teacher. A biology teacher would have twigged straight away that gorillas don’t look like that, even gorillas who happen to be wearing police uniforms.
  6. He’s called a naughty boy for not doing his homework. Not doing your homework could be considered naughty but in no way a criminal offence. In no way a criminal offence necessitating the arrival of a police officer and the immediate detention of the boy in question. With a lead and collar.
  7. He’s is then whipped by the policewoman. Corporal punishment in schools has been banned for some time now. Did the teacher think s/he’d gone to daily mail heaven? Kids today know what their rights are. At no point during the whipping did he turn round and go, “leave it man, you can’t touch me or nuffink, touch me and I’m calling paedo ya got me.”
  8. The the stripper starts too do what strippers do best, take her clothes off and bring out the whipped cream. I’m assuming it was whipped cream, I’ve never heard of a stripper using single cream, and it’s always from a squirty can. I’ve no idea what strippers did before the days of squirty cream, maybe that the victim had to wait patiently whilst the stripper whipped the cream in the corner of the stage?
  9. Suddenly the teacher twigs that something is awry. I’m not sure if it was the stripping or the whipped cream that triggered it. Maybe they thought whipped cream was banned under Jamie Oliver’s healthy school meals scheme?

One thing that isn’t mentioned in the article was at what stage the boy got wood. When you’re 16 you can quite happily stand to attention for absolutely no reason. I used to get it on Friday afternoons almost without fail purely because the lesson I had then allowed me to sit by a window and it got a bit warm and I’d feel sleepy. Sleepy was not the dwarf by the way.

One kid I used to know accidentally got a chubby whilst out and about. The nearest thing to him at the time was a dog. By near I mean about twenty foot away. They didn’t stop him getting a reputation for being a dog fucker though.

So to add to the misery at some point he’s going to have made a trouser tent in front of the whole school and a video camera. I think it’s fairly safe to say he’s going to have wanted the ground to open up and swallow him.

Some stranger banging on about it on the internet isn’t going to help much either. Still, chin up mate, there’s a guy going round who spent years having people barking at him.