Why does Santa drink sherry and eat mince pies? Why can’t he drink tequila slammers and eat kebabs instead?
Dear CBeebies presenters, the sight of four fully grown adults pretending to be excited that there are only two sleeps until Christmas is really quite sickening. More to the point when did things start getting measured in nights rather than days?
One thing we must be aware of is how difficult this time of year is for the elderly. Spare a thought for poor Kim Jong-il who has died of “physical and mental over-work.”
Still, it’s the way I want to go, a corrupt, insane ruler governing a country with an iron fist and a water park.
I was sitting looking through the traditional Christmas copy of the radio times. Despite ready access to a video shop and the internet I still like to see what films are on over Christmas. I easily saw ten films I’d like to see.
Then I remembered I’ve still got about ten films to watch from last Christmas and the Christmas before.
Films I wanted to see but not wanted to see enough to go and see at the cinema or on DVD. Or apparently enough to press a button on the remote.
Not just a Christmas hate today but it has got much worse in the run up to Christmas. Here is an open letter to <insert stupid brand here>
Dear <insert stupid brand here>,
Yes I would like to enter your competition and/or get your discount.
What I would NOT like to do is give you access to lots of juicy details about me, advertise the existence of you to all my friends, risk yet another privacy meltdown and allow you to bombard me with shite until the day I die.
So it is with great regret I won’t “Like” you on Facebook. Nor will I allow you to pollute my twitter feed or any other desperate attempt to get your claws on my social media information. I really don’t want your shiny bauble that much. Don’t worry, I’m sure there are plenty of moronic teenagers who will quite happily let you in on their crappy lives. It will probably involve buying boots that look like they belong to imbecilic spacemen and making their heads look like it has 6 times as much hair as it really does. You get all you deserve.
I was filling in a pile of Christmas cards last night. That wasn’t what was hateful, it was just tedious. I hate the pre-message inside cards. I wanted to say something along the lines of “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year” but the card already said “Merry Christmas.”
Do you just add “and a Happy New Year” underneath or do you repeat the “Merry Christmas” part? I’m message blind when it comes to cards. I pick the card based on the front but my wife can put down perfectly good cards because she doesn’t like the message inside.
I had to write around 50 cards. That’s 50 moments of doubt and self-loathing in one evening.