Inane Banter

What’s a brother with a cut finger to do?

There’s an advert on the telly at the moment for giving blood. It features people with plasters on their arms after giving blood. What I noticed was that all the plasters were the same fleshy coloured ones we all remember from school.

When i say fleshy, it’s fleshy if you happen to be white , well pinky. All the back people on the video were also wearing the same colour of plaster which as you can imagine doesn’t blend anywhere near as well.

Can you get brown plasters or do white supremacists run the plaster companies? I looked on the band-aid website and even the newish clear ones still have a pinky bit where the plaster is. The only other colour I can see is blue.

Even the smurfs get more respect!


Sue from Stickyskin has emailed to say that they sell plasters for the darken skinned cutee. As she was nice enough to send me the link privately ratherthan spam it all over the comments I’ll post it here. Stickyskin.*

* I’ve never used them personally so don’t blame me if they run off with your money to set up a plaster based commune in the Seychelles.**

** I’m pretty sure they won’t.


Together in Perfect Yummy

News of this website is slowly spreading to my family members. The reason they don’t know about the site isn’t shame it’s more that it’s very hard to explain to your family that occasionally you cook stupid stuff or write cheap, sweary rubbish. It just doesn’t come up in conversation too often. Mrs Fatuous let slip to my brother and aunt that I had a website then sat back to watch me try and explain. It could have been worse, I used to have a website thats name was very similar to a porn site and not a very nice porn site at that. Mrs Fatuous tried to show her parents my site once with obvious results.

My brother then spent a few minutes suggesting ideas most of which didn’t sound quite right but one suggestion was to do something with white pudding. First I suppose I’d better explain what white pudding is and to do that it also helps to explain black pudding.

Black and white pudding aren’t in fact puddings at all. Both are like sausages made of various bits of animal by-product. Black is popular in Britain and Ireland and is probably the dodgier of the two. It’s basically bits of meat, fat and oats mixed with blood that congeals where it is cooked. You buy it in the cooked state and is delicious as part of a fried breakfast. White pudding is mainly found in Ireland and is similar to the black pudding but without the blood. In it’s place is a higher pork content. It’s like a dense sausage and is served as part of a Irish breakfast which is very similar to an English breakfast but with soda bread in place of fried bread and white pudding with the black pudding. This Irish treat must have stuck in my brother’s head from a previous visit to the emerald isle.

What could I do with white pudding? I immediately decided it should include it’s black counterpart. When you think of black and white what do you think of? The crap Michael Jackson song? The Kim Kardashian leaked sex tape? I, of course, thought of classic Wonder and McCartney song “Ebony and Ivory” which is handier than the sex tape for what I was going to do next.

I decided to recreate the fizzogs of Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney in white and black puddings. This is despite not having sculpted anything since about 20 years ago when I made a face out of clay that exploded in the kiln wiping out nearby art when I was at school.

The original source

I had my source image, I had my puddings. I was ready to go.

The Puddings

Firstly I stripped the puddings of their outer garments. I repeat this is not that sex tape.

Oh you are offal

Originally I intended to do a serious sculpture. It only took 5 minutes to realise that the rough texture of the puddings and my complete lack of skill were going to make this impossible. I decided to settle for a simple cartoon style instead.

I got an E in GCSE art you know

This made things a bit more manageable but congealed bit of animal isn’t going to replace clay any day soon. My trusty art scalpel hacked away until I had Paul’s head.

Its very hard to take a steady photo when youve got meat on your hands
It's very hard to take a steady photo when you've got meat on your hands

Stevie’s afro proved a bit easier.

Dont eat the fro yet

Much hacking later they were ready. Please note that the bit at the bottom of Stevie’s face is his little beard not some 1950’s casual racism. That would rather go against the ethos of the song.

Ebony and ivory side by side on my plate
Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony

I shoved the pair into the oven for 15 minutes. I would have fried them but they were a bit too thick and I didn’t fancy eating the raw pork bits. I made a nice red wine gravy to go with them which doesn’t really tie in with the song but it does taste nice.

Side by side on my plate, oh lord why dont we?
Side by side on my plate, oh lord why dont we?

Stevie’s beard fell off during cooking and the bottom half of Paul’s head stuck to the baking tray but apart from that all went well and both were very tasty.

Hopefully I’ve done my bit to bring all races that bit closer together through the medium of meat. There was a moment when they sat on the plate when I realised that this sort of crap would have done well in this years Turner Prize. It would have but I ate it. If anyone wants to pay me a million pounds I’ll gladly do it again. Two million and I’ll recreate the Kim Kardashian sex tape in breakfast products.