Day 20

What a beautiful display. Traditional yet modern, chic with a hint of chintz, minimalist yet packed with detail, the artist has surpassed himself today.

Yes, the artist has managed to turn a Christmas scene into a cock and balls. He’s even used the flame as the trademark spurt of spunk. Truly genius.


Day Fifteen

Some advent picture practically write themselves. Animals in hats are easy, Christmas puddings less so. Today is an absolute stinker.

It’s a wreath, the most dull of all the floral displays. It’s not exactly jumping up and down with fun is it.

I even resorted to wikipedia to try and eke out a few facts to play with. I discovered the following.

  • Guess what, the Christians nicked this idea. It originally represented the cycle of the seasons. Is there any part of any major Christian festival that wasn’t stolen from somewhere else? Ah yes, the bringing of the tinned goods to the church for harvest festival.
  • Johann Hinrich Wichern, who surprisingly was German like that’s not the most German name ever, may have came up with the idea to stop kids going, “Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Haaahhhhhhhh. Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet?” etc.
  • They sound like a right fire hazard. Even worse than angels’ nighties. Yeah let’s mix dried twigs with candles, what could possibly go wrong.
  • Purple is the historic liturgical colour for three of the four Sundays of Advent in much the same way that Pringles were the official salted snack of the Olympics. I wonder if there is an historical liturgical scent for the Sundays of Advent. I’m going for pine and stale digestives.
  • You can have a Christ candle. They really missed a trick with this one. They should have used one of those joke birthday candles that when you blow it out it mysteriously relights shortly afterwards. You can have that idea for free Christian church.

Fortunately wiki has given me enough structure for the spout of dribble to erupt from. I nearly had to rely of this wreath joke I found.

Q: Which famous person do you get when you make a wreath out of $100 bills?

A: Aretha Franklin!

Even Giles Brandreth wouldn’t touch that one.


Day Three

The Chinese have discovered or invented a great many things we take for granted.

This panda is showing off the fire he invented.

He better have invented fire if he wants to get away without wearing the hat that every other fucker has managed to put on.

Anybody else not wearing the hat may end up with black eyes too.