Advent of Hate 2011 – Day 15

I was filling in a pile of Christmas cards last night. That wasn’t what was hateful, it was just tedious. I hate the pre-message inside cards. I wanted to say something along the lines of “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year” but the card already said “Merry Christmas.”

Do you just add “and a Happy New Year” underneath or do you repeat the “Merry Christmas” part? I’m message blind when it comes to cards. I pick the card based on the front but my wife can put down perfectly good cards because she doesn’t like the message inside.

I had to write around 50 cards. That’s 50 moments of doubt and self-loathing in one evening.

Inane Banter

Another Doris Arrives

Another Doris of far too high a quality. Have proper Doris cards gone the way of flimsy card advent calendars?


Advent 2009 – Day 17

Dante missed a circle of hell. This circle comprises row after row after row of desks. Each desk is home to a couple, the couple are filling in Christmas cards. Christmas cards to distant friends, people they met on holiday, the auntie who smells of wee, old bosses and the vicar they lied to when they wanted to use his church for the wedding.

There are two pens, one is an old bic with next to no ink that only works for 0.2 seconds at a time. The other is an ancient fountain pen with a nib that has a mind of it’s own.

Half the friends may have moved in the past year.

The other half have separated.

The stamps are of the old type that you have to lick.

The envelopes are all slightly too small for the cards.

Each envelope will deliver a paper cut.

Inane Banter

Doris Update

Two received today.

Both are technically Doris cards but they are fairly weak examples. The photos are far too high quality, the cards are made from sturdy card and they are for charities you would have heard of. They are almost normal cards.

When did all cards become charity cards? It used to be all cards were purely to remind family members that you hadn’t died in the past year. Then a few mentioned charity and they were the deeply religious ones. Now all cards seem to donate 0.00000000000000001% of the profits to charity.


Advent 2009 – Day 13

Any day now you should be receiving your first “Doris” card.

A large number of you may have no idea what a “Doris” card is, even those who receive or even, heaven forbid, send them. It’s very simple, there is only one real rule.

If the card consists of a photograph, primarily of a Christmas scene then it’s a Doris. Baubles are always popular as are robins. It must be a photograph though, it’s easy to think you have a Doris when in fact some idiot has painstakingly painted a photo-realistic bauble.

Doris experts can spot a Doris before they even open the card. Giving you these handy clues will allow you to gamble and play the Doris Dare game. To play the Doris Dare game you have to guess before opening the envelope whether the card will be a Doris. Get it right and you win a point, get it wrong and you have to send a Doris card out yourself. The overall loser must send nothing but Doris cards the next year.

Doris Clues

  1. Is the envelope suspiciously light? Doris cards are usually made of the flimsiest paper going.
  2. Has the envelope been written in the spidery scrawl of a pensioner?
  3. Are you surprised that the card got there at all the address is so incorrect?
  4. Has the price of posting gone up at least twice since the stamp on the envelope was purchased?

Happy Doris hunting everyone. I’ll try and post some samples as they arrive. I usually get at least two.