Advent of Hate 2011 – Day 6

Day 6 and already I’m flagging, is it too soon to enter my “doing this shit” wildcard? Yes I think it is.

Today’s hate is Kinnerton. The name might not be familiar but if you have an advent calendar with chocolate ask yourself one question, is the chocolate nasty? If it isn’t you may have lucked out with a Cadbury advent. If it tastes like the brown gunk that Satan gets stuck between his hooves after a day literally punching the shit out of dead pension providers then there is a good chance it’s made by Kinnerton.

Their website claims

Established in 1978, Kinnerton Confectionery is Britain’s largest manufacturer of chocolate and novelty confectionery specialising in character licensing because kids love them!

Note the ambiguity, do the kids love the chocolate or the licensed characters? I know which way I’m voting and I don’t even know who iCarly is.

Next year I’m taking a leaf out of this book and just buying 24 different bottles of ale and shoving them in a box.


Advent 2010 – Day Three

I have a chocolate advent calendar, so does my son. Mine has Homer Simpson on it, his has Winnie the Pooh. I’m 38 years older than he is. Yet somehow the designers of the advent calendars decided that our numbers should be in the same place and contain the exact same chocolates.

Today we both had what I think was an owl. It was equally deformed in each calendar.

As calendars go it’s almost as shoddy as this. Almost.

Inane Banter

Official Gibberish Provider of London 2012

I’ve just bought a chocolate bar and discovered that Cadbury appear to be the “official treat provider of London 2012”

Not the women’s volleyball then?


What an ADVENTure!

I got my advent calendar the other day and I thought, “what better way to share the build up to Christmas than to post on my blog about the pictures behind each window?”

I got my camera and calendar ready and took a photo of the advent in it’s virginal state.

I popped the door, ate the chocolate and what did I find behind it?

Absolutely nothing! Kinder can’t even be bothered to stick a picture behind the chocolate. Looks like the Kinder surprise was on me. What to do? I decided that I would head into town and buy and old fashioned calendar that only had pictures.

After tramping around town for a while I discovered that it’s very hard to find an advent without chocolates. I’d imagine giving a child a calendar without chocs would be enough to get them a reputation at school that would last until they left. “Oh look it’s no choc Charlie, his mom can’t afford sweets, I heard it’s not his real mom, she died trying to fish a mars bar out of the canal. Eurgh he’s got nits and everything.”

Fortunately I had fail-safe plan. There is a newsagent in town that also does a sideline in religious books, CDs etc. If there’s one thing the God-botherers don’t like it’s kids enjoying Christmas. Not when there’s good remembering about Jesus to be done. My plan was a success, I had a choice of two guaranteed not to have chocolates. One looked very promising, offering not just a picture but also a bible verse behind each window. These would have to be very small bible verses as the windows were very small. However it’s easier for a whole verse of the bible to fit behind a tiny windiw than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven.

The second one only promised pictures but it had one big advantage.

Let’s take a closer look at that top right corner.

Oh yes, the first day of December and already it’s reduced from £1.25 to 10p. This was going to be a good one. I felt bad paying only 10p so I bought a drink at the same time. I would have been about seven the last time I went into a shop and spent only 10p.

I got home and opened it to find it also came with a large envelope just for those relatives that only vaguely remember children so send them crap every year. The sort that buy 10 year-olds brut or book tokens or that illustrated book of bible stories that sits on the bookshelf in case Satan or that auntie visits. I wasn’t sending this calendar anywhere. This advent is for you.