Christmas Eve

Baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus…

Baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus…

Wait a minute? Joseph and Mary appear to be praying to a large cottage pie. Does that mean the true meaning of Christmas is to add carrots, a rich gravy and to grate a bit of cheese on top?

How could we all have been so blind?


Day Seventeen

Oh look, it’s a penguin. Cocky little fucker isn’t even wearing the hat, he thinks he’s Christmassy enough.

Slight problem.

  1. We do not eat penguins at Christmas.
  2. There is no mention of penguins in the bible. I did a search to make sure. Even Noah didn’t have to bother about them what with them being aquatic and all that.
  3. Penguins didn’t visit the baby Jesus. Bethlehem seems to be lacking in ice flows.
  4. “Ah but penguins love snow and Father Christmas lives in a snowy place,” I hear you say. Nice try but Santa either lives in Lapland or the North Pole depending on who you believe. Both are very northerly one is as north as you can get. Penguins are found in the Southern Hemisphere and generally speaking very south at that.

So Mr la-de-da look at me I’m a penguin, put the hat on or get off my advent you un-Christmassy interloper. I don’t care if you’ve got a tux on or not.

Food Inane Banter

Pancake 24

Did you enjoy having a little toss the other day? I’m talking pancakes of course.

We all know the story behind Shrove Tuesday even if we’re not entirely sure what a shrove is. Many, many years ago the baby Jesus wanted to get away from it all with a nice break and decided to make sandcastles in the desert.

Before he went the locals decided he’d need feeding up before going out there.
“Would you like a nice plate of fatted calf?” they asked.
“No thank you,” replied Jesus.
“What about a nice bit of steak? Scotch egg? Findus crispy pancake? Artic roll? An Easter egg?”
“No, what I want is some really thin fried batter with a bit of sugar and lemon on it,” replied Jesus.
“We’re out of lemons Jesus. All we’ve got is this old plastic lemon with juice in that we haven’t used for a year.”
“That will be fine as long as I get to squirt it myself. Oh and you’re not allowed to turn the pancake with a spatula, you’ll have to flip it.”
“Because I’m the son of God and I say so.”

That is why we still eat pancakes to this day. This year I decided to have a complete meal with two savoury cheese and ham pancakes and then two sweet ones with sugar and lemon. To make it interesting I added a Jack Bauer sense of pressure. Once the first pancake was ready I slid it onto the plate and immediately poured the next load of batter into the pan. I now had the time it took for the next pancake to cook to eat the first one. I did this through all four pancakes whilst imagining being shouted at by a terrorist.

Terrorism lost that day, indigestion had a minor victory.

Inane Banter

Cock Tease

Looking at the website’s logs it appears that my “colourful” language is accidentally attracting people looking for smut rather than idiot comment.

If you are looking for sexy, barely legal, big titted, cum gobbling, slutty, cock sucking, whore MILFs who do anal then I apologise unreservedly. As a way of saying sorry have a picture instead.

Look what you did