Inane Banter

Master Semenya?

Why on earth or we still waiting for results as to whether Caster Semenya is a man or not?

Have the testers never seen Crocodile Dundee?

Or they could try the advanced test where they throw a ball at him/her/misc

Calmly catch – Man
Flap about like a lolly sucking child in the middle of a swarm of wasps – Woman


Together in Perfect Yummy

News of this website is slowly spreading to my family members. The reason they don’t know about the site isn’t shame it’s more that it’s very hard to explain to your family that occasionally you cook stupid stuff or write cheap, sweary rubbish. It just doesn’t come up in conversation too often. Mrs Fatuous let slip to my brother and aunt that I had a website then sat back to watch me try and explain. It could have been worse, I used to have a website thats name was very similar to a porn site and not a very nice porn site at that. Mrs Fatuous tried to show her parents my site once with obvious results.

My brother then spent a few minutes suggesting ideas most of which didn’t sound quite right but one suggestion was to do something with white pudding. First I suppose I’d better explain what white pudding is and to do that it also helps to explain black pudding.

Black and white pudding aren’t in fact puddings at all. Both are like sausages made of various bits of animal by-product. Black is popular in Britain and Ireland and is probably the dodgier of the two. It’s basically bits of meat, fat and oats mixed with blood that congeals where it is cooked. You buy it in the cooked state and is delicious as part of a fried breakfast. White pudding is mainly found in Ireland and is similar to the black pudding but without the blood. In it’s place is a higher pork content. It’s like a dense sausage and is served as part of a Irish breakfast which is very similar to an English breakfast but with soda bread in place of fried bread and white pudding with the black pudding. This Irish treat must have stuck in my brother’s head from a previous visit to the emerald isle.

What could I do with white pudding? I immediately decided it should include it’s black counterpart. When you think of black and white what do you think of? The crap Michael Jackson song? The Kim Kardashian leaked sex tape? I, of course, thought of classic Wonder and McCartney song “Ebony and Ivory” which is handier than the sex tape for what I was going to do next.

I decided to recreate the fizzogs of Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney in white and black puddings. This is despite not having sculpted anything since about 20 years ago when I made a face out of clay that exploded in the kiln wiping out nearby art when I was at school.

The original source

I had my source image, I had my puddings. I was ready to go.

The Puddings

Firstly I stripped the puddings of their outer garments. I repeat this is not that sex tape.

Oh you are offal

Originally I intended to do a serious sculpture. It only took 5 minutes to realise that the rough texture of the puddings and my complete lack of skill were going to make this impossible. I decided to settle for a simple cartoon style instead.

I got an E in GCSE art you know

This made things a bit more manageable but congealed bit of animal isn’t going to replace clay any day soon. My trusty art scalpel hacked away until I had Paul’s head.

Its very hard to take a steady photo when youve got meat on your hands
It's very hard to take a steady photo when you've got meat on your hands

Stevie’s afro proved a bit easier.

Dont eat the fro yet

Much hacking later they were ready. Please note that the bit at the bottom of Stevie’s face is his little beard not some 1950’s casual racism. That would rather go against the ethos of the song.

Ebony and ivory side by side on my plate
Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony

I shoved the pair into the oven for 15 minutes. I would have fried them but they were a bit too thick and I didn’t fancy eating the raw pork bits. I made a nice red wine gravy to go with them which doesn’t really tie in with the song but it does taste nice.

Side by side on my plate, oh lord why dont we?
Side by side on my plate, oh lord why dont we?

Stevie’s beard fell off during cooking and the bottom half of Paul’s head stuck to the baking tray but apart from that all went well and both were very tasty.

Hopefully I’ve done my bit to bring all races that bit closer together through the medium of meat. There was a moment when they sat on the plate when I realised that this sort of crap would have done well in this years Turner Prize. It would have but I ate it. If anyone wants to pay me a million pounds I’ll gladly do it again. Two million and I’ll recreate the Kim Kardashian sex tape in breakfast products.

Inane Banter

Super-sized Wrongness served on a bed of Wrong

I thought animal-human hybrids sexing up was wrong. It still is but this is far worse.

Sex with dead model ‘was wrong’

Mark Dixie claimed he did not realise she was dead until after he had sex with her body, the Old Bailey heard.

Did he not try the usual methods? Checking for a pulse, mirror in front of the mouth, watching for the chest raising and falling. The sort of thing they might teach you on a first aid course. If you turn up on a course and a friendly nurse suggests the best way to check is to stick your bits into someone at the very least leave the course. Preferably report them.

Giving evidence, he said: “I don’t know what went through my mind. I took full advantage of someone and I should not have done it.”

Let’s just take a quick look at what Mark Dixie classes as taking advantage of somebody is? Maybe it’s buying them a few drinks, lying about being interested romantic comedies, claiming to like cats?

Prosecutors allege Mr Dixie stabbed her seven times and raped her as she was dead or lay dying.

I’m sorry, that’s a bit more than “taking full advantage of someone.” That’s like claiming to sneak the odd shampoo out of a hotel whilst walking through the door with the shampoo, a bed, last night’s takings and a maid under your arm.

“All I saw was a pair of legs… shirt put down to the waist and I took advantage of her.

Anthony Glass, QC, defending, asked if he thought she was dead or unconscious.

If I was Anthony I would probably have pointed out to Mark that just so he knew, there wasn’t a “right” answer here.

Mr Dixie said: “I would not have expected to see anyone dead in that street.

I don’t expect to see Noel fucking Edmonds walking down my street. If I did my first thought wouldn’t be, “Wow Noel Edmonds, how unusual, I’d better have a piece of him as he’s here.”

But he admitted there was no reaction during the sex attack, even when he bit Miss Bowman.

Again, why not check the pulse. There’s usually some reaction to sex even if it’s just boredom or cramp. You still don’t just bite them.

So in summary he’s accused of
Stabbing some poor woman to death and raping her either while she was dying or after she was dead.

His genius defence is
I found someone unconcious lying in the street so I fucked her and covered her body in concrete dust.

Mark, if you are going to lie in court try and make your defence sound in some way less despicable than what the prosecution are saying.

Inane Banter


Ah isn’t it lovely, the first Australian baby elephant is due to be born.

But wait, it’s not lovely because the mother is some dirty under-age slapper.

But the news sparked an uproar, with the RSPCA and the Greens MP Lee Rhiannon both accusing the zoo of recklessness by allowing an underage elephant to mate.

I’m sorry but if you ask me it’s reckless to stand in the way of two elephants about to get jiggy. It also neglects to mention if Thong Dee, yes even the name makes her sound like a stripper, is currently wearing her trunk in a top knot.

Mr Williams said the father, Gung, had been mating with all the females. “He’s at them all the time. He came on second flight [of elephants]. He got off the flight, had a drink, and mounted Thong Dee.”

Smooth bastard. It’s like the gang of lads landing in Ibiza, grabbing a few beers and then getting nuts deep in a nearby slapper before everybody else has collected their luggage. He probably back in the bar right now getting the other elephants to sniff his trunk.

Inane Banter

Cock Tease

Looking at the website’s logs it appears that my “colourful” language is accidentally attracting people looking for smut rather than idiot comment.

If you are looking for sexy, barely legal, big titted, cum gobbling, slutty, cock sucking, whore MILFs who do anal then I apologise unreservedly. As a way of saying sorry have a picture instead.

Look what you did