Inane Banter

A Dastardly Cover Up

Shock news has spread round the internet this week that Keeley Hazell has done a sex tape. I appreciate that foreign readers may not know who Keeley is. Those about to google her name for images a quick warning, if you are weak of heart or have a 3D monitor please retreat back from your monitor a few paces before clicking on any links. In the name of research for this blog I forced myself to download said video. No I’m not telling you where to get it, think of it of a challenge like when you used to glance into hedgerows along the canal on the off chance of finding discarded Razzles or Readers Wives.

Having forced myself to sit though said video with a Clockwork Orange type device strapped to my noggin a few things puzzled me.

  • Keeley is known for having rather large breasts. 32E according to wikipedia and who am I to argue with that? And what remain covered up throughout the video, yep all 32E of them. Now if you’re prepared to bare them at the drop of a hat for every tabloid or lads mag going why would cover them up in private. Hang on we have a change of argument coming so pay attention (stop googling for more images in the background you dirty little animal)
  • The bloke in question goes from being flaccid pre-Keeley all the way up to mostly flaccid when young Keeley shows up. Now it’s not a situation most of us men find ourselves in but I’d like to think that if I found myself in bed with a large-breasted page 3 model I’d have the common courtesy to become aroused. It’s politeness if nothing else. So far we have a man who likes to keep his girlfriends massive boobs covered up and isn’t particularly aroused when she makes an effort. But wait it gets worse…
  • Now I’m no Steven Spielburg but if I was to film myself having sex with a young lady where would I point the camera? I’ll give you a clue it wouldn’t be at my own hairy arse. Just to clarify – I’m sure Steven doesn’t film himself with young ladies, he has aliens, large sharks and Jewish people to film instead but I remember watching Raiders of the lost ark and he did spend some of the time filming Karen Allen rather than pointing the camera longingly at Harrison Ford’s arse. Why would you film your own arse? One of the things I am satisfied about my body is that the arse is round the back so I don’t have to look at it. In the video there are two people, one is some nobody, the other a page 3 model. Who would you point the camera at. Here’s a clue, one of them has a camera pointed at them all day, the other probably tries to sell them at dixons.

So let’s look at the facts, the man in question doesn’t like to see big boobs, doesn’t get turned on by women and likes to look at arses. I don’t need to spell it out do I?

Speaking of criminally covered up breastages, come on Cleo, you’re on Celebrity Big Brother, you have the largest breasts there (H from steps is just a big tit,) I’m sure it’s a rule in BB that if you have the largest breasts you have to expose them at some stage. I’ve been waiting since 1981 you little minx you.