Inane Banter

I spy with my little eye something beggining with Twa.

It’s a dangerous world out there. Half the middle east want to wipe you off the planet, the Russians are going back to their old ways and it seems like even your gran is carrying a knife these days.

The Americans spend billions each year on the CIA to keep tabs on dodgy types and potential dodgy types. They have fingers in all sorts of pies, some of the fingers may not even be their own and the pies may not even have real pastry. The Russian SVR does the same only their fingers have gloves on and the pie is vodka pie.

Both groups attempt to outdo each other and keep on top of external trouble-makers but what about us British? The once proud ruler of most of the world and home of Ian Flemming. What do our spies do to keep up this dangerous and secretive profession?

We send a bloke on telly with a dodgy moustache.

Roger Moore doesn’t seem quite so shit now.

Inane Banter

Power is an Aphrodisiac After All

You’re in your thirties, you’ve worked hard, got a great education, high paid job all the trimmings.

Then it all pays off, you finally get a taste of real power. You become an elected member of your government. It doesn’t get much better than this.

Three days into your new job you have a few drinks at a party and before you know it you’re semi-naked and uttering the immortal words, “Look at this, I’m titty-fucking your mother!”

Matt Brown, I salute you.

The part that upsets me most is the fact he is about the same age as me and has managed to not only achieve power but also managed to titty-fuck it away again. The closest I get to tasting power is licking a battery.

Note anyone wishing to bestow power on me: I promise not to throw it away by attempting to have a go on someone’s tits.*

* Within the first week.**

** Having said that it would be a great thing to bring up at future interviews.

Inane Banter

Welcome To Our New Black Hole Dwelling Masters

So far the proton smashing doodad has failed to kill us all. There’s not even a whiff of destruction or invading creatures pouring through a rift in space.

Come on boffins, this is your moment to shine, at least make the sky a bit darker and maybe a bit of lightning.

Update – In case anybody wants up to date information on whether the earth has been destroyed they should go to this website. Or, you know, look out of the window. If you don’t have a window any more it’s probably safe to assume the earth is being destroyed. Have you always had that yawning chasm of nothingness in your back garden? That’s another clue.