News 15th December – It’s going to snow. Danger.
News 16th – Oh my God it’s snowing!
News 17th – Chaos, we’re going to die!
It’s snowmagedon people!
Did you see Never Mock the Cats of the Year Quiz last night?
In the bad old days when dinosaurs roamed the earth if you missed one of the many Christmas treats that was it, you were fucked. You studied the Radio Times like it was a sacred text, scared of missing a vital program or film you wanted to watch. Fights broke out if two shows clashed (and it was really only two shows that could ever clash.) I was once allowed to stay up way past my bedtime one Christmas eve to catch the Kenny Everett Christmas Special. I could of course pretend it was Hot Gossip I was interested in but in reality I was more eager to see Captain Kremmen or maybe watch Tony Blackburn humiliated.
Now if you manage to miss a program when it’s shown on BBC 1, repeated on BBC 3 six times, a further 4 times with signing for the deaf, fail to Sky+ it and forget about iplayer then you my friend are a tool of the highest order.
I suppose it was inevitable but it appears that Postman Pat is too sedate for todays ADD riddled school kids. Gone is tootling around a little village delivering post. Now he’s on special delivery and this involves the use of gyrocopters and bullet-time cat rescuing set in the big smoke. There are a few flaws with this.
- Couriers don’t get access to gyrocopters or speedy delivery. In reality they tend kick your parcel around a warehouse, decide it’s too heavy to bother delivering so pop round with a “you were out” card and do a runner before you reach the front door so you have to travel to back-end of shitville-on-sea to collect it.
- Surely a pumped up Pat would replace Jess the cat with a tiger or at least a pitbull?
- He still looks like a nerdy, speccy-eyed, pube-headed twat.
- Does this mean his old rural post office has been closed down due to lack of custom or is it now a spar with a post office that opens for 5 seconds on the 3rd Tuesday of the month?
What’s next? Chorlton’s Pimp My Wheelie? Pob carrying a knife as well as spitting everywhere? The playschool house being knocked down and turned into apartments? Tony Hart doing a Banksy?
Personally I’m looking forward to Crystal Tipps, Turning Tricks.
It’s a dangerous world out there. Half the middle east want to wipe you off the planet, the Russians are going back to their old ways and it seems like even your gran is carrying a knife these days.
The Americans spend billions each year on the CIA to keep tabs on dodgy types and potential dodgy types. They have fingers in all sorts of pies, some of the fingers may not even be their own and the pies may not even have real pastry. The Russian SVR does the same only their fingers have gloves on and the pie is vodka pie.
Both groups attempt to outdo each other and keep on top of external trouble-makers but what about us British? The once proud ruler of most of the world and home of Ian Flemming. What do our spies do to keep up this dangerous and secretive profession?
Roger Moore doesn’t seem quite so shit now.