Categories
Food

Is it a biscuit or is it a cake? Neither, it’s meat!

About a month ago somebody on b3ta designed a new snack combining the joy of Jaffa Cakes with the meat and eggy goodness of scotch eggs. The result, that you can see an image of on b3ta’s forum, is the Jaffegg. At the time several people thought it was a marvellous idea and vowed to actually make a jaffegg cake. As far as I can tell nobody did. We now somebody has. Me.

Ingredients

To make jaffeggs you will need.

  • Sausage meat
  • Eggs
  • Breadcrumbs
  • Oil
  • Flour

Making a Jaffegg

First you need to make the sausage base. Put a bit of flour on a board and your hands so the sausage doesn’t stick. Roll the meat into a ball and then flatten it quite a bit. Finally use your thumbs to make a dent that will hold the egg yolk. I used normal sausages skinned rather than a packet of meat and one sausage made one jaffegg.

A made four in total. My plan was to make two with the yolks in and two that I added the yolks to near the end so the yolk was only partially cooked. I then brushed the top outer ring of each base with oil so the breadcrumbs would stick.

I then separated the egg yolks to add to the base to make the “smashing yellow eggy bit™.” This went relatively well and only one yolk out of four was sacrificed to the kitchen sink. I then carefully slid the yolk onto two of the bases.

Breadcrumbs were then sprinkled onto the top of the complete jaffeggs. The two that were having the yolks added to later I just sprinkled the breadcrumbs round the outside. I added some extra crumbs to the tray to sprinkle on afterwards. If you want to cheer up Gordon Brown you can use stale bread to make the breadcrumbs. I don’t think anything could put a smile on his face so I used the unnatural orange breadcrumbs that are used for scotch eggs.

They were then ready to bake. I shoved them in for 30 minutes at 180°c. I took them out five minutes from the end to add the yolks to the other jaffeggs before shoving them in again. That was the plan however the one’s without the yolks had shrivelled to half the size so the yolk just balanced on top and the spare crumbs had burnt. I had to sprinkle fresh crumbs on top and hope they cooked in five minutes. You have been warned.

When cooked I took them out of the oven and discovered they’d lost a lot of the jaffa cake shape and had become little round sausage UFOs* instead. *Unidentified frying object. Deep fat frying the cakes may well stop this happening but I don’t have one despite living in Leeds for a while when I was younger.

Time to cut the eggy bad-boy open to see if the basic shape was preserved.

Not bad at all. You can make out all the parts and they are roughly in the right place. The one’s I added the yolk to later looked all wrong. Like pac-man in a meat canoe with his mouth shut and cocaine all over his face.

I can report that both where lovely, like scotch eggs without the boring egg-white. Many thanks to Thor_sonofodin for the original idea.

Categories
Food

Eggstreme Hangover Cure

Poor Mrs Fatuous is off at a conference over the weekend so yet again I made myself the promise I always make when she’s away.

I will not get absolutely ratted and stay up to a stupid hour in the morning playing online poker effectively throwing away most of Saturday.

As always the promise was broken. As I sat downstairs looking at the empty bottle of vodka with 4am proudly flashing at me from the clock I needed a solution. I had even run out of soft drink so the hangover was going to be strong. I could have drank water but water always seems like a throwback to medieval times. There are many wonderful flavoured drinks around so why settle for the basic, taste free, water. Actually our water tastes of fluoride. Look in the shops for fluoride flavoured food, can’t find it can you? The reason being fluoride tastes awful.

Anyway I needed a plan and I needed it for tomorrow morning. Bless my alcohol soaked brain, it didn’t let me down. All I had to do was remember the plan in the morning. For somebody who spends a large percentage of his time standing in rooms wondering why he’s in that room it’s not a forgone conclusion.

Morning came and, as you may have guessed by the fact I’m writing about it, I did remember the plan. But first I’d need to go to the shops. I decided to walk as my eyes felt like they were actually vibrating. I also thought the fresh air might do me good. The air might have been good but walking up the steep hill with armfuls of shopping was not. I was sweating like a pig, shaking like a shitting dog and wheezing like Vanessa Feltz attempting to climb the European butter mountain.

At last I was ready to start with my cunning plan, a plan I intend to share with you. You’ve done well to stick with it so far so who am I to let you down. Ladies, gentlemen, sweaty pigs, shitting dogs and buttery Vanessas I give you

The Yolktastic Egg Butty Hangover Cure!

As the woman off the M & S adverts would say, “this is no ordinary egg butty.” A hangover cure needs several key features, this butty provides most of them.

  • Grease
  • Bacon
  • Egg
  • Chilli sauce

The only thing it lacks is more alcohol. The more adventurous cook may attempt to add alcohol but I had none left. The key to this recipe is egg yolks. Eggs are nice, eggs contain hangover busting chemical chains but, as every child will tell you, eggs have two distinct parts, well three if you include the shell but nobody eats that. The yolk which is the yellow, tasty bit that also happens to be packed with the chemical chains we wish to ingest and the white which is the frankly the pointless, hanger on which just gets in the way of the yolky joy. If it helps, the white is Pete Doherty to a yolky Kate Moss. The recipe has oodles of Kate with just enough Pete to stop the whole thing going off the rails in a heroin fueled rampage. Hang on I haven’t thought this analogy through have I.

You Will Need

4 eggs
Parma ham (you could use bacon but this is much lighter and makes you look a bit posher than the drunk you really are)
Tabasco sauce (wimps have no place in my kitchen)
A roll (or any other bread based product)
Tommy K (or brown sauce if you prefer, fuck it, use both if you like)
A bottle of Irn Bru

Ingredients

Step 1 – Swig the Irn Bru

Irn Bru

If there’s one thing the Scots know how to do it’s drink. If you lived in a cold, wet, miserable country and went round with a chip on your shoulder bigger than your actual town you’d drink too. Their magical orange coloured wonder-drink should give you the strength to finish the cooking.

Step 2 – Heat some oil in a pan and fry the parma ham.

Mmmmm fatty goodness

That’s your fat right there. Embrace it’s lipid love. When they’re done pop them in a warmish oven to crisp up a little. Keep the frying pan hot for stage 5.

Step 3 – Separate the yolks from the the whites. I use the moving the yolk from one half shell to another method. Do whatever your shaking hands can cope with. The key part is to keep the yolks intact.

Yolks as Scooby Doo might say

Step 4 – Add tabasco and a little salt and pepper to the egg whites. We don’t need much of the whites, just enough to stop the yolks from burning. If you wanted to add alcohol you would add it to the whites here. Whisk them with a fork a little.

Our whites lemonade

Step 5 – This part is the tricky part. Pour a little of the egg whites into the pan and let them fry for a few seconds to slightly firm up. You want enough white to support the 4 yolks but not much more.

Step 6 – Gently slide the yolks out of the half shells on top of the white. Try to get low so as to not break the yolks, you’ll kick yourself if you place three perfectly then screw up the forth. I recommend a childhood spent playing operation and buckaroo for the skills required. If you’ve done that (placing the yolks not spending your childhood playing buckaroo) it should look like this

Ain't she a beauty

Step 7 – Squirt your desired sauce on your bread and place the parma rashers on top. When the eggs are cooked (white firm, yolks still runny) place them on top of the parma ham. It’s now ready to eat.

The finished product

You’ll probably need to eat this with a knife and fork as the yolk runs everywhere.

Does it work? Well my eyes have stopped vibrating and there’s a beer in the fridge calling me.