Inane Banter

Mind Reading, Half of a 90s Double Act, Lizard

I was chatting to Mrs Fatuous over the dirty dishes the other days about the news that Gordon Brown wants us to stop wasting food. It’s very rare that we discuss the news as we both listen to different radio stations on the way home. You will not be shocked to hear that the news overlap between Radio 1 and Radio 4 is very small. Radio 4’s news doesn’t need quotes round the “news” part for a start.

I casually mentioned that Gordon wasn’t really talking to us but was in fact having a sly dig at John Prescott and his. “That sounds like the sort of crap you’d put on your blog,” she said, probably quite correctly.

And now we take a journey into my procrastinating little world and how it can come unstuck. If I have an idea suddenly I usually just write down a title to remind me then put off doing anything about it until weeks later when I finally get round to it. You’ll notice a general lack of biting, up to the minute, satire on this site. There’s a reason for that. Actually there are several reasons for that including a general apathy towards politics, lack of bite but mainly it’s due to me being too slow at writing this to keep up. I’d probably just be getting round to moaning about Maggie Thatcher by next week.

Anyway, I just wrote down the title which was “Greedy Gord Slams Spewy John” and then left it until I could build up a bit more meat around what was in essence a one paragraph post.

I downloaded a few podcasts on Wednesday to take to the gym to drown out the idiotic dance music they play there. It’s that remixed 80s song type of dance music that they play at the gyms all the time. As far as I can tell their only criteria for the music is that it must be crap and that the video must feature scantily clad fit young ladies. I’m assuming the ladies are there to motivate the wobbly women at the gym to up their game. I tend to listen to podcasts while staring at the videos in a desperate attempt to disguise the fact from my bored body that I’m running on the spot. I can’t even stare at the women on the video properly like a red-blooded male should. I keep getting distracted by Eggheads on the telly next to it. My love of lythe young ladies is overpowered by my desire to punch the smug one from eggheads in the face. I know they are all smug but there is one that’s smugger than the rest and you know who I mean.

I was listening to the latest Herring and Collins podcast when I heard Richard Herring make exactly the same point I had made days before over the kitchen sink. I was gutted. The podcast isn’t usually out until Friday by which time I would have finished the post so I could have crowed, quite incorrectly, how my joke had been stolen by less successful member of a cult 90s double act. Instead he had read my mind and then beat me to it by recording the podcast days earlier thus trumping me. I suppose I should be grateful it wasn’t 80s loving Andrew Collins who said it, not that I have anything against his abilities to remember every toy or TV show from decades ago. I’d rather it was the comedian of the pair that used his lizard powers to read my mind rather than the one who uses his lizard powers to recall that the Evel Knievel wind up bike toy only used to go about 5 inches from the red ramp before it fell over.

Now, thanks to my procrastination, my only hope is that John Holmes makes exactly the same joke on this Friday’s Now Show.

Breaking update – Andy Parsons made the same joke on Mock the Week. Get in!

Update 2 – I missed the Now Show so I’ll have to use listen again but Clarkson made the same joke in his column in Saturday’s Mirror. If you’ve seen the same joke anywhere else then let me know in the comments below.

Inane Banter


If somebody came up to me in the street and said “John Prescott has a disorder, guess what it is?” I wouldn’t have been able to get it.

If somebody came up to me in the street and said “John Prescott has an eating disorder, guess what it is?” I still wouldn’t have guessed it.

If somebody came up to me in the street and said “John Prescott has an eating disorder beginning with B, guess what it is?” I still would have gone for binge drinking first.

So it’s fair to say I was somewhat shocked to discover that Prescott suffered from bulimia. How do you get to be that size and chuck up a lot of what you eat? I can picture him dressed in a skimpy toga reliving the excesses of a Roman emperor stuffing his face with pies. Actual just imaging that has made me sick up a little in my mouth so I can see how it could happen.