Advent of Hate 2011 – Day 5

Once a year a bearded man sneaks into your bedroom and promises to leave you gifts. You can’t tell anyone you saw him in your bedroom or no more gifts for you.

Does that sound sexy to you?

It’s obviously a sexy idea for some people.

Inane Banter

I’d like a Big Wrong please with a side order of Wrong please


Where do you start on this one?

0 secs – You see a lithe female figure on a swing. OK so far.

4 secs – Then you see a bear. Could be a worrying attack but Tony the tiger never mauled anyone so still OK.

5 secs – Wait a fucking minute here, the lithe female has the head of a deer. Why? I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.

13 secs – Oh of course it’s so obvious. Females with the head’s of deer love the manky taste of orangina. Not content with tasting really nasty the keep the evil bits in to make sure you really don’t enjoy it. A fact wasted on she-deer.

14 – 28 secs – My dear God he’s tossed his orangy seed on the ground to grow a flower so he can woo this she-deer. Despite the fact he’s a he-bear. This is like a man shagging a dog!

36 secs – No no no no, there’s load of them strutting round like female prostitute version of manimal gone wrong. Where do they come from? To get the human body somebody must have though having sex with animals or mixing animal eggs with human sperm was an acceptable scientific experiment. It’s like being lent the dodgy VHS copy of Animal Farm at school all over again.

51 secs – Great, the he-bear is wearing pants, just what I needed to see.

101 secs – Can they top this? She-deer has just had the orangina equivalent of a golden shower. All we need now is the animal equivalent of John Holmes to appear and we have 70s porn covered in human-animal form.

114 secs – She-giraffe riding a bottle of orange muck like it’s a giant cock. Check.

129 secs – Bottles spurt just in case you missed the cock reference. Followed quickly by what must be the first representation of orangy cum on she-animal tits.

133 secs – Do you know, I’ve had this hole. A nagging spiritual hole that no church could ever fill, no booze could ever sate. Now I’ve realised what it was. Up until now I’d never seen a creature whip the bra off a panda with a human body before. Now I feel complete.

135 secs – My mistake. Up until now I’d never seen an octopi with human bits use oranges as a metaphor for lactating breasts.

145 secs – My life will never be quite the same again. No matter how hard I try I’ll never be able to wipe those 145 seconds from my brain.

On the plus side goatse holds no fear for me now.