Day Sixteen

This little mouse is covering all the Christmas bases. He’s in a Christmas boot and he’s got mistletoe. He only needs the hat and he’d be unstoppable.

I’m assuming he’s a mouse although he could be a rat or even a teddy bear with jug ears. Nobody wants an otographically challenged bear and somewhere in the dark past somebody decided that mice are cute but rats are vermin. You cause one plague and they never let you forget.

Now we’ve established that it is a mouse, I can quite safely say, that unless he pays close attention Santa is going to be picking mouse bones out of his foot this Christmas.

Inane Banter

It’s all in the name

News was released today saying that lots of banks had been ripped off by a con-man.

How stupid are the banks? Would you trust your money with a man named Madoff? It’s hardly surprising that Bernard made off with the money now is it.

Mr. Robin Banks would like to assure financial institutions that their money is safe with him.


Day Fifteen

Some advent picture practically write themselves. Animals in hats are easy, Christmas puddings less so. Today is an absolute stinker.

It’s a wreath, the most dull of all the floral displays. It’s not exactly jumping up and down with fun is it.

I even resorted to wikipedia to try and eke out a few facts to play with. I discovered the following.

  • Guess what, the Christians nicked this idea. It originally represented the cycle of the seasons. Is there any part of any major Christian festival that wasn’t stolen from somewhere else? Ah yes, the bringing of the tinned goods to the church for harvest festival.
  • Johann Hinrich Wichern, who surprisingly was German like that’s not the most German name ever, may have came up with the idea to stop kids going, “Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Haaahhhhhhhh. Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet?” etc.
  • They sound like a right fire hazard. Even worse than angels’ nighties. Yeah let’s mix dried twigs with candles, what could possibly go wrong.
  • Purple is the historic liturgical colour for three of the four Sundays of Advent in much the same way that Pringles were the official salted snack of the Olympics. I wonder if there is an historical liturgical scent for the Sundays of Advent. I’m going for pine and stale digestives.
  • You can have a Christ candle. They really missed a trick with this one. They should have used one of those joke birthday candles that when you blow it out it mysteriously relights shortly afterwards. You can have that idea for free Christian church.

Fortunately wiki has given me enough structure for the spout of dribble to erupt from. I nearly had to rely of this wreath joke I found.

Q: Which famous person do you get when you make a wreath out of $100 bills?

A: Aretha Franklin!

Even Giles Brandreth wouldn’t touch that one.


Day Fourteen

Who was it when faced with the problem of how to store unopened presents dismissed bags, turned their nose up at boxes and other sensible ideas and said, “You know what, we should just shove them in an over-sized sock.”

You hosiery obsessed fruitcake.


Day Thirteen

angel (Oxford English Dictionary)

  • noun 1 a spiritual being believed to act as an attendant or messenger of God, conventionally represented as being of human form with wings. 2 a person of great beauty, kindness, or virtue. 3 theatrical slang a financial backer. 4 a former English coin bearing the figure of the archangel Michael killing a dragon.

angel (Fatuous English Dictionary)

  • noun 1 some ugly, flying bird that is a clear fire hazard should that naked flame come close to her acrylic nightie.

Day Twelve


Day Eleven

Looks like this duck is making up for not being very Christmassy what with the hat and the bauble. “But wait,” you say, “you can eat duck at Christmas.” You can but as I’ll show it’s not a flattering creature.

  • Turkey – Middle of the road unimaginative types. Often served with ham too so double the meat fun.
  • Goose – Posh people. Wolfed down in time to stand for the Queen’s speech then off to beat foxes with polo mallets.
  • Duck – Posh people who don’t have any friends. Small enough that you can finish it off on your own before crying into your vintage port.
  • Bernard Matthew’s Turkey Drummers – The bedsit Christmas feast. You can splash out and serve it with Ye Old Oak Ham if your giro came early.
  • Nut Roast – Veggie option that makes the baby Jesus cry. Shepards came to visit him, not nut growers.
  • Sticks, mud and a wicker man – Pagan beardies still upset that their excuse to freeze their bits off dancing in the snow was hijacked by the church.
  • Special Brew with a bit of tinsel on top – Tramps.

I’ve also just noticed he’s only centimeters away from being buggered by a reindeer which I’m not sure is the true meaning of Christmas.

Inane Banter

How does this work then?

MSN messenger had an interesting competition today.

The prize is to win a £3000 pound shopping spree in Primark. I’d have thought with £100 you could buy the entire contents of Primark. What do you do with the rest of the prize?

I’m not going to do the “what’s 2nd prize? £4000 pounds to spend in Primark,” joke so don’t even try and make me.


Day Ten

I don’t care if you’ve got mistletoe, you’ve had your lips on nuts all morning.


Day Nine

Forgetting about the advent for a moment today was a very Childish day at Chez Fatuous. Mrs Fatuous had the day off and we had stale bread so we decided that we’d go to a nearby lough and feed the ducks. The ducks there must be fed bread on an hourly basis so have no fear of people and will jump all over your feet to get closer to the lovely loaf. If you have flimsy shoes on you can feel their feet and they do feel as weird as you’d imagine.

Whilst feeding the ducks I noticed a strange, new construction over by the kids play area. I decided we’d have a look once we were done. As we got closer it looked like a sparse, badly constructed climbing frame. Nearby was a sign that told us what it was.

Turns out it was an which it turns out is a cross between Mike Reid’s Runaround and boppit. We were very lucky that there was no-one else around so we had a few rounds and it was great fun. If it wasn’t too far away I’d have looked forward to trying it blind drunk at two in the morning but sadly it would require a car and remember kids, drink driving is bad.

Anyway, back to advent, which is either a sleigh or it’s a close-up of Alan Carr’s mouth should he ever suffer from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Alan mate, get a sensor fitted, I couldn’t like with myself if a badly fitted boiler did for you.