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Inane Banter

Lies – damned lies – and fatistics

The Times have released a breakdown of the number of people on benefits in the UK.

Out of all the people 2,000 are too fat to work. How fat do you need to be before you can’t work? Surely the world of darts have a few openings or maybe Frey Bentos need new tasters. How rotund must someone get before their podgy little arms cannot reach a keyboard? Can’t ITV bring back the wrestling? How do they get through the door of the job centre?

15,600 people received benefits for “malaise and fatigue” which as far as I can tell is the polite way of saying “lazy fucker who doesn’t give a shit.” I want to know when my share of the loot is on the way? In the Encylopedia Fatanica under both words you’ll find a picture of me. Well you would do if somebody would just write it for me.

8,100 for “dizziness and giddiness.” How in the name of all that is work-shy do you get off work through giddiness? I wasn’t aware “holding your breath for a long time,” “putting your head on a broom and spinning round and round,” “being an aunt” or “childrens’ roundabout tester” were real jobs.

I’ve decided I want a piece of this cash but what to claim under? I’ve decided I should claim on my wrists, specifically my left wrist. Ever since I was a child I’ve been cursed with this faulty wrist. My problem? I’ve never once found a watch that fits it properly. The watch either has to be so tight that my hand turns red or loose enough that when I go to look at the time it’s swivelled around and I end up looking at the buckle. Think of the mental torment I have to go through any time anybody asks me the time. It also pays havoc on work conditions as it’s very hard to clock watch if you have to contort your arm every time.

Surely that’s got to be worth something?

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Inane Banter

Tin Foil Hats Are So Last Year Dear

Want to stop the thought police getting into your head? Scared the FBI are picking up on your conspiracy that the win tower bombing were done by remote controlled hamsters aimed by jewish lizards from another dimension? Or simple scared your mother can see those dirty thoughts in your head?

Sure you could get yourself an old fashioned hat made of tin foil but why settle for second best when EMFields have had this stylish alternative.

Oh bee-have

My favourite bit is the last line
You can wear the headnet in the garden, when travelling or when visiting places where microwave exposure is likely to be high e.g. shopping centres. 

OK, in the garden you might get mistaken for a harmless bee-keeper but if you wear that to a shopping centre then I wouldn’t be worrying about the damage microwaves can do to your brain. It’d be far too late.

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Inane Banter

Car Jack (Off)

What’s the world coming to when a young man can’t go for a spin without a licence, pull over, watch a porno and enjoy a cold beer without Johnny Copper taking an interest?

It doesn’t say what car he was driving but most wankers I’ve seen drive BMWs.

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Inane Banter

Just In Superb Monikers

Are the people who come up with names just not getting out anymore?

Firstly from Sony, the Soft Leather Carrying Case LCS-TWA/T

TWA/T

Look at the flaps on that!

China fights back at the Japanese thanks to the exciting world of Electrochemical synthesis.

Tubes

That’s copper nano tubes to you or I.

Let’s hope Europe can enter into the spirit with something like Cadbury’s Minge.

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Inane Banter

The only thing they should scratch is their arses

People say the national lottery is an idiot tax. You can see why, you have a very small chance of winning. Some people buy the odd ticket or are in a work syndicate. However there is a strange correlation between the amount of benefits you receive, the number of ASBOs you have, the number of debt collectors you’re on first name terms with and the amount of tickets you buy.

Further down the evolutionary chain are people who buy scratch cards. I don’t know why but scratch cards appeal to a certain type of person. If you wanted to find the missing link I’d advise you to look for fossilised scratch cards first. They’ll not be far away.

Thanks to Camelot for proving this.

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Inane Banter

Those who can, strip

We’ve all done it, you go to book a gorillagram and accidentally book a stripper instead (Broken link removed).

You really have to feel sorry for the poor kid. Before I even start on the mix up everything embarrasses you when you’re 16. Every tiny little mistake repeats itself in your head over and over again until you’re convinced every being on the planet has spotted that mistake and is spending every waking moment wondering how stupid you are. Add into the mix that everything your parents do for you in front of your friends is really embarrassing no matter what it is. We’ve got quite a potent little potion bubbling away already. Now let’s break it down.

  1. Mom thinks it would be a good idea to organise a gorillagram to go to school for her son’s 16th birthday. Wrong! Nobody over the age of five finds people dressed as gorillas funny and everybody under five finds them terrifying.
  2. Teacher agrees to video the whole thing. Wrong again! The poor kid is going to have to look like a tit in front of the entire school. The last thing he wants is video proof of this. It would leap to the top of the school video ring within minutes usurping “Jugs 37” and “Teen killer slash flick 12”
  3. The agency sends a stripper dressed as a policewoman instead of a gorilla due to a booking error. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but the addresses of most schools usually contain the word “school” in them. At no point during the phone call between the agency and the stripper did either of them think it strange that the client was at a school.
  4. The stripper turns up as asked the boy to stand up. At this point we must bear in mind that she is dressed as a policewoman and we’ll have to assume the teacher is out the back smoking. Boy obviously doesn’t know she’s a stripper so stands up.
  5. She then puts on a Britney track and gets out a collar and lead. Now I’m not in the habit of being arrested by the police but last time I checked a collar and lead hasn’t replaced good old fashioned handcuffs. Nor has the siren been replaced by “Hit me baby one more time.” Alarm bells should have been ringing at this point. I can only assume the teacher involved wasn’t a biology teacher. A biology teacher would have twigged straight away that gorillas don’t look like that, even gorillas who happen to be wearing police uniforms.
  6. He’s called a naughty boy for not doing his homework. Not doing your homework could be considered naughty but in no way a criminal offence. In no way a criminal offence necessitating the arrival of a police officer and the immediate detention of the boy in question. With a lead and collar.
  7. He’s is then whipped by the policewoman. Corporal punishment in schools has been banned for some time now. Did the teacher think s/he’d gone to daily mail heaven? Kids today know what their rights are. At no point during the whipping did he turn round and go, “leave it man, you can’t touch me or nuffink, touch me and I’m calling paedo ya got me.”
  8. The the stripper starts too do what strippers do best, take her clothes off and bring out the whipped cream. I’m assuming it was whipped cream, I’ve never heard of a stripper using single cream, and it’s always from a squirty can. I’ve no idea what strippers did before the days of squirty cream, maybe that the victim had to wait patiently whilst the stripper whipped the cream in the corner of the stage?
  9. Suddenly the teacher twigs that something is awry. I’m not sure if it was the stripping or the whipped cream that triggered it. Maybe they thought whipped cream was banned under Jamie Oliver’s healthy school meals scheme?

One thing that isn’t mentioned in the article was at what stage the boy got wood. When you’re 16 you can quite happily stand to attention for absolutely no reason. I used to get it on Friday afternoons almost without fail purely because the lesson I had then allowed me to sit by a window and it got a bit warm and I’d feel sleepy. Sleepy was not the dwarf by the way.

One kid I used to know accidentally got a chubby whilst out and about. The nearest thing to him at the time was a dog. By near I mean about twenty foot away. They didn’t stop him getting a reputation for being a dog fucker though.

So to add to the misery at some point he’s going to have made a trouser tent in front of the whole school and a video camera. I think it’s fairly safe to say he’s going to have wanted the ground to open up and swallow him.

Some stranger banging on about it on the internet isn’t going to help much either. Still, chin up mate, there’s a guy going round who spent years having people barking at him.

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Inane Banter

Nobody knows a c*nt like Mickey

Hatred has a new name, his name is Mickey.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWnMtuAS0mg[/youtube]

The advert is wrong on every possible level. Firstly nobody knows an odious little twat like Mickey because if you did you’d only have two possible choices.

  • Making sure you never saw the prince of high cuntery ever again.
  • Stoving his smug face in with a spade until dandruff was the least of his worries.

Secondly men do not have lots of different hair styles to use as a weapon. At most men have two hairstyles.

  • The “I can’t be bothered” style which is pretty much as you woke up style with and obvious sticky out bits slapped into line with water.
  • The “I might pull, better put some crap in my hair” style.

Any more hairstyles than two and you’re a woman. As if his stupid metrosexual styling weren’t bad enough they have to go and apply them to the smuggest man alive. He makes Tom Cruise look meek.

I’d like to be man enough to admit that the bloke in the advert is a very good actor and isn’t even remotely twattish in real life. However we all know the cunt probably struts round in real life like a cock with the cat that got the cream stuck to it’s head. He probably gives knowing little smiles at complete strangers thinking they are looking at him out of awe when in fact they’re probably thinking “surely no court in the country would lock me up if I murdered the little shit right now in the middle of the street?”

If you really do know a bloke like Mickey run up to him now and shout “cunt” as loud as you can at about 2 inches from his gimpish face. Hopefully Mickeys everywhere will eventually get the message.

Me, I’m taking a trip to spades-r-us just in case I ever stumble across Mickey.

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Inane Banter

Mmmmmmmmasterbate

I really don’t know what to say about this clip from the BBC.

(Link now deleted).

I don’t know what’s more worrying, the fact the BBC wanted to film this, the fact women wanted to appear on it, the fact I’m paying my licence fee to watch this.

No I’ve decided, it’s the last woman who slushes it round a bit like she’s a wine taster and then has a second glug to be sure.

I would be quite happy to pay the licence fee if they’d somehow conned Loyd Grossman into appearing on the program. In fact I’d pay twice just to see him deliberate, cogitate and digest his way through a test-tube of man batter.

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Inane Banter

The Veg Ages of Man

Don’t ask how I got to this conclusion (especially as I’ll possibly get round to it later) but I’ve calculated you can guesstimate the age of some based on one vegetable. Not any vegetable just one specific one so don’t go trying this with a sprout. That would be silly. It probably helps if they are from the UK. It might work with other areas of the world but as I’m not foreignese I couldn’t say for certain. It may only work with town people too, country folk may be wiser in the ways of veg. I’m not, where I lived we all bought tins to the harvest festival as kids.

Just ask the person what enters their head when you mention the word “marrow.”

A what? – Person probably aged between 0 – 25

I saw them in comics as a kid. 26 -40

We used to have them occasionally when I was young. 41 – 60

I grow them to enter competitions. 60+

It seems to me the marrow has gone the way of offal. Something the older generation had to eat after the war because there was fuck all else. Unlike offal however it’s not packed full of delicious goodness.

This whole marrow thinking came about during one of those non-conversations you have with your partner. The sort that you’d have in your own head only they’re there and don’t seem to be thinking seriously about anything either so why not share.

I was wondering why you got the complete range of sizes for fruit from tiny like redcurrant up to the delightfully large melon. However vegetables seemed to peter out around the manageable potato size. Mrs Fatuous corrected me and pointed out that marrows can grow to stupid sizes. “Of course they can,” I said remembering comic strips featuring marrows the size of small children or proud allotment owners in silly local news pieces just before the weather. It’s probably worth pointing out at this stage that neither of us thought of the pumpkin. I can’t speak for Mrs Fatuous but I’m not even sure whether a pumpkin is a fruit or a vegetable. I know there’s some way of working it out but I forget what it is apart from knowing that tomatoes are funny buggers. Or is that strawberries?

Anyway, why has the marrow fallen from grace whilst the melon and pumpkin remain popular? The answer seems to be the other two don’t keep all their eggs in one basket. Sure you can eat pumpkin (apparently only if you’re American though) but it remains popular as you can hollow it out and make it scary looking every October. Sure you can eat a melon but it remains popular based on the story that goes round schoolchildren about cutting a hole in it, warming in the microwave then fucking it. Granted it’s not as wholesome an idea as celebrating witches etc but it does fill that tricky age gap when trick or treating wears a bit thin.

Marrows need a second job quickly if they are to survive. Maybe they can be marketed as the hardcore sex vegetable for those tired of fucking melons. After years of thrusting away at a cantaloupe you may dabble with a honeydew for a bit of excitement but your real connoisseur of food fucking is sampling the forbidden fruit vegetable that is marrow.

Mr Fatuous would like to point out that he has never had sexual relations with a melon although he does wink suggestively at them from time to time to keep them on their toes.

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Inane Banter

Spunking Presentations Right In Your Face

3M, makers of lots of sticky things like post-it notes have clearly been basing some of their designs on producers of sticky stuff.

Phallicpoint 2007

Come on, surely at some stage during the lengthy design process someone must have noticed it’s similarity to a certain male appendage. Who is going to buy one? I can only imagine most meeting would go something like this.

Boss: Welcome everyone to our AGM. I’d like to start by going over our figures for the past year…
Staff (thinking): Pffft, he’s got a big cock above his head.
Boss: …and of course there was the disappointing sales of the PX1235…
Staff (thinking): hee, hee, cock
Boss: …thanks for the long hours everyone put in building up to the launch of the RX7565…
Staff (thinking): What a shiny helmet
Boss: …alas the terrorist destruction of the Swindon office…
Staff (thinking): Is that thing ribbed?
Boss: …could you all pack your stuff up, security will escort you from the building…
Staff (thinking): I wonder if it dribbles from the end?

As if it wasn’t obvious enough 3M really hammer the point home.

Touch my globes baby

That’s right, what would distract from a cock shaped projector? Putting two planetary gonads underneath, that’s what.

What is that poor woman doing? Trying to find the male g-spot?

Don’t forget boys and girls, for all your presentation spunking, AGM killing needs it’s the 3M DMS800 you need.