Author: mrfatuous

Categories
Inane Banter

Flicking Cars Over for Fun and Profit

There were some special visitors at my local gym last week. There was a heat of the UK’s Strongest Man taking place nearby over the weekend and they were all in the cafe area. It made my workout seem futile as I wheeled around the corner to be confronted by about ten brick shithouses all gathered together chatting about nutrition.

In many ways watching the World’s Strongest Man is like accidentally flicking onto one of those preview programmes for a porn channel after the other half has gone to bed. It’s too loud, the best are Scandinavian and it’s ultimately pointless but at least you get to see some huge tits wobbling about.

As I left the gym I noticed the wives loading the luggage onto the tour bus.

Categories
Inane Banter

Swine Who?

When the government’s swine flu website was announced it quickly got overwhelmed by people checking if the world had ended yet. I’m not sure how it happened as the government published it in the catchily named www.direct.gov.uk/pandemicflu. I say published but buried might have been more accurate.

Why not the more obvious swinflu.gov or porkysnot.gov, oinkysnuffles.gov, ohmygodwereallgoingtodie.gov or practically anything else.

I noticed www.pandemicflu.gov points to a site which features a competition to win $2500 for a creating a flu prevention video like twisted ,end of the world, you’ve been framed. Think of the tamiflu you could buy with that.

Categories
Inane Banter

Dirty Boy!

Am I the only one who misheard the news last night and thought that Nicolas Sarkozy had collapsed whilst dogging last night?

Categories
Food Inane Banter

Doesn’t Do What It Says On The Tin

I saw this salt in the work kitchen the other day.

I stared at it for a full ten minutes and not once did it try to jump over railing or anything even remotely urban.
It wasn’t even wearing baggy trousers

Categories
Food Inane Banter

What’s white and sticky?

I was eating in a sainburys cafe the other day when something on one of those triangular advertisement bits of cardboard caught my eye.

World’s first milk in a stick

Who was the person who sat down and thought, “you know what’s wrong with milk, it’s all a bit to bottley. Even when we thought we’d solved that issue we ended up with pointy cartons. I know they are good for finding homeless children and all that but they are a bit sharp and 80s comedians used to go on about how you couldn’t open them without milk exploding everywhere and then it went off. Even those little round things are just a bit too gay. What we want is the portability of those little bags of sugar but with all the opening pain of those ketchup sachets. Get this for a clincher, these portable little sticks, we won’t sell them, we’ll only have them in the cafe where their portability will be useless. Quick Brian, crank up the cardboard triangle machine, we need to shout this from the rooftops.”

Sainburys, that’s who.

Categories
Inane Banter

“Elvis By Bono” By Mr Fatuous

One was a fat twat who mumbled, wore stupid glasses and sold lots of records, the other isn’t fat.

Categories
Food

Root Cakes

Do you remember the first time somebody offered you a slice of carrot cake? You probably went, “urghh” or, “you can’t make a cake out of carrots” or, “get away from me you agent of Satan!”

Then you tried it and more than likely thought it was very nice. Why carrots though, why not other root vegetables? What makes carrots better than, say, parsnips?

I intended to find out.

Firstly I needed a carrot cake recipe. A quick google later and I found this good food carrot cake recipe that seemed to fit the bill.

I didn’t bother with the cinnamon, walnuts or pineapple because I knew the cinnamon and walnuts would remain in the kitchen for the next 5 years. We all know pineapple is far better in a delicious cheese and pineapple smoothie. I did buy carrots but not as many as the recipe suggested as I also bought the following root vegetables :-

  • Carrots – These were used as a control just in case I messed the recipe up.
  • Parsnips – Start with the easy one. Looks like an emo carrot anyway even if they taste different.
  • Sweet potato – I hope the sweetness would make a good cake ingredient.
  • Celeriac – I wasn’t even 100% sure if this was a root vegetable. It looked like one and wiki confirmed it was one. It also told me it can be known as the knob celery which made me giggle a little too much.
  • Beetroot – I like to imagine all soviet cakes contained beetroot.

I prepared the flour part and the egg part as listed in stage 1 on the good food recipe. I didn’t add the carrots as I was going to split the mixture into 5 equal parts.

I folded the two together and then processed all the vegetables separately to make then as small as possible. I wasn’t hand grating that lot! I did 40g of each vegetable.


I broke the folded mixture into 5 parts and mixed each vegetable into 1 part. As they were small I used a tray for making tarts instead of a big cake tin. Each veg mixture made two mini cakes.

I baked them for 30 minutes checking with a skewer to see when they were done. Meanwhile I made the icing as per the original recipe. When the cakes were done I left them to cool.

Once cooled I haphazardly added the icing and popped them into the fridge for an hour.

Just as they were ready to taste Mrs Fatuous and her friend returned from the restaurant. When they heard what I had done they wanted to try them. This scared me, I’m used to eating my own daft food ideas but these were innocent bystanders. I warned them but still they wanted to try them so we tried half a cake each.We’d all tried a different vegetable but we all liked the one we had tried so we chose different vegetables again.

We found out that all of them were nice and all of them tasted very similar. The sweet potato cake was judged to be slightly superior and the beetroot one was the most distinctive. I thought the celeriac cake left a slightly nasty aftertaste but nobody else did.

So there you go, if you fancy carrot cake but only have parsnips you have nothing to lose.

Categories
Inane Banter

That Stewart Lee

I was watching the tv the other night.

I was watching the tv, at night and there was that Stewart Lee.

On tv, at night, that Stewart Lee.

That Stewart Lee, from those 90s, on the telly, at night.

That comedian Stewart Lee, him off that telly, with his 90s hair.

That quiffy, straggly, indie hair from the 90s, atop Stewart Lee’s smug comedic face.

A comedic yet smug face, beneath that quiff, belonging to 90s TV cult figure Stewart Lee, telling a joke.

A joke, from opera writing Stewart Lee’s slightly smug TV mouth.

That Stewart Lee’s smug, disinterested sounding Brummie mouth, telling a joke, yet not telling a joke from beneath his floppy quiff.

That joke, that may be a joke, that that Stewart Lee wasn’t so much telling from his smug, Brummie mouth but rather burying beneath, not his quiff.

Not his 90s indie quiff, that opera writing, fatter, Stewart Lee but burying, that joke, burying beneath layer after layer of tense repetition.

Oh look, now it’s a sketch with that 90s weak lemon drink man and the curious orange.

Disclaimer – I think that Stewart Lee, that Kevin Eldon, that Paul Putner and that sadly missing Richard Herring are great.

Categories
Inane Banter

Repsychobabble

A large lorry passed me on the motorway the other day. I’d seen this haulage company before but this lorry had a large red sticker on the trailer. The sticker proudly claimed that the trailer was made of 99% recyclable material.

Just to put that into perspective:-

  • Each wheel is made from nearly 60kg of rubber and a lorry has something like 18 of those.
  • The lorry is made from many tonnes of metal.
  • The fuel tank holds somewhere between 50 and 400 gallons of diesel.
  • None of this includes the weight of the cargo itself or what it may be made of.

Whoopee fucking do on your recycled trailer, the most recyclable thing in the lorry is the copy of Razzle that has provided the driver with at least ten wanks.

Categories
Inane Banter

Debbie Does Downing Street

I don’t pay much attention to politicians, I find it only encourages them. Jacqui Smith caught my attention today however and it’s not just her daft spelling of her first name. It turns out her husband has been watching grumbleflicks at our expense.

I would have been outraged but I was watching the news out of the corner of my eye in a reception area. It was Sky news and it had the news ticker along the bottom of the screen. The man was talking through the details of the story but the ticker was summarising the details of the second home scandal. Due to the scant details and my lack of attention I linked the dirty movies with the figure of £116,000 scrolling along the bottom of the screen.

I was upset about the minister’s husband wasting our money on smut but then I thought, fuck me, anyone committed enough to one-handed entertainment to blow over £100,000 on it deserves a round of applause. Let’s face it their gnarled hands are probably incapable of clapping themselves. For that sort of money I’d expect to see Debbie doing the whole city of Dallas and not just the football team.

As punishment Mr and Mrs Smith should repay the debt to us by being forced to star in their own home porn movie. “Oh you like that don’t you? I’m going to take you right round your second home you dirty minx.”