Category: Inane Banter

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Inane Banter

Swine Who?

When the government’s swine flu website was announced it quickly got overwhelmed by people checking if the world had ended yet. I’m not sure how it happened as the government published it in the catchily named www.direct.gov.uk/pandemicflu. I say published but buried might have been more accurate.

Why not the more obvious swinflu.gov or porkysnot.gov, oinkysnuffles.gov, ohmygodwereallgoingtodie.gov or practically anything else.

I noticed www.pandemicflu.gov points to a site which features a competition to win $2500 for a creating a flu prevention video like twisted ,end of the world, you’ve been framed. Think of the tamiflu you could buy with that.

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Inane Banter

Dirty Boy!

Am I the only one who misheard the news last night and thought that Nicolas Sarkozy had collapsed whilst dogging last night?

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Food Inane Banter

Doesn’t Do What It Says On The Tin

I saw this salt in the work kitchen the other day.

I stared at it for a full ten minutes and not once did it try to jump over railing or anything even remotely urban.
It wasn’t even wearing baggy trousers

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Food Inane Banter

What’s white and sticky?

I was eating in a sainburys cafe the other day when something on one of those triangular advertisement bits of cardboard caught my eye.

World’s first milk in a stick

Who was the person who sat down and thought, “you know what’s wrong with milk, it’s all a bit to bottley. Even when we thought we’d solved that issue we ended up with pointy cartons. I know they are good for finding homeless children and all that but they are a bit sharp and 80s comedians used to go on about how you couldn’t open them without milk exploding everywhere and then it went off. Even those little round things are just a bit too gay. What we want is the portability of those little bags of sugar but with all the opening pain of those ketchup sachets. Get this for a clincher, these portable little sticks, we won’t sell them, we’ll only have them in the cafe where their portability will be useless. Quick Brian, crank up the cardboard triangle machine, we need to shout this from the rooftops.”

Sainburys, that’s who.

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Inane Banter

“Elvis By Bono” By Mr Fatuous

One was a fat twat who mumbled, wore stupid glasses and sold lots of records, the other isn’t fat.

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Inane Banter

That Stewart Lee

I was watching the tv the other night.

I was watching the tv, at night and there was that Stewart Lee.

On tv, at night, that Stewart Lee.

That Stewart Lee, from those 90s, on the telly, at night.

That comedian Stewart Lee, him off that telly, with his 90s hair.

That quiffy, straggly, indie hair from the 90s, atop Stewart Lee’s smug comedic face.

A comedic yet smug face, beneath that quiff, belonging to 90s TV cult figure Stewart Lee, telling a joke.

A joke, from opera writing Stewart Lee’s slightly smug TV mouth.

That Stewart Lee’s smug, disinterested sounding Brummie mouth, telling a joke, yet not telling a joke from beneath his floppy quiff.

That joke, that may be a joke, that that Stewart Lee wasn’t so much telling from his smug, Brummie mouth but rather burying beneath, not his quiff.

Not his 90s indie quiff, that opera writing, fatter, Stewart Lee but burying, that joke, burying beneath layer after layer of tense repetition.

Oh look, now it’s a sketch with that 90s weak lemon drink man and the curious orange.

Disclaimer – I think that Stewart Lee, that Kevin Eldon, that Paul Putner and that sadly missing Richard Herring are great.

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Inane Banter

Repsychobabble

A large lorry passed me on the motorway the other day. I’d seen this haulage company before but this lorry had a large red sticker on the trailer. The sticker proudly claimed that the trailer was made of 99% recyclable material.

Just to put that into perspective:-

  • Each wheel is made from nearly 60kg of rubber and a lorry has something like 18 of those.
  • The lorry is made from many tonnes of metal.
  • The fuel tank holds somewhere between 50 and 400 gallons of diesel.
  • None of this includes the weight of the cargo itself or what it may be made of.

Whoopee fucking do on your recycled trailer, the most recyclable thing in the lorry is the copy of Razzle that has provided the driver with at least ten wanks.

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Inane Banter

Debbie Does Downing Street

I don’t pay much attention to politicians, I find it only encourages them. Jacqui Smith caught my attention today however and it’s not just her daft spelling of her first name. It turns out her husband has been watching grumbleflicks at our expense.

I would have been outraged but I was watching the news out of the corner of my eye in a reception area. It was Sky news and it had the news ticker along the bottom of the screen. The man was talking through the details of the story but the ticker was summarising the details of the second home scandal. Due to the scant details and my lack of attention I linked the dirty movies with the figure of £116,000 scrolling along the bottom of the screen.

I was upset about the minister’s husband wasting our money on smut but then I thought, fuck me, anyone committed enough to one-handed entertainment to blow over £100,000 on it deserves a round of applause. Let’s face it their gnarled hands are probably incapable of clapping themselves. For that sort of money I’d expect to see Debbie doing the whole city of Dallas and not just the football team.

As punishment Mr and Mrs Smith should repay the debt to us by being forced to star in their own home porn movie. “Oh you like that don’t you? I’m going to take you right round your second home you dirty minx.”

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Inane Banter

Dear Peugeot

Dear Peugeot,

With the ongoing credit crunch and general hard times for the motor industry you may be looking to reduce your costs. I have a suggestion that may help.

They say the biggest cost to a company is it’s workforce. May I suggest an easy saving to make is to find the designer responsible for the front lights on the 205 and the 206 and sack his sorry arse right out of door. Who thought that silly metal spring was a good idea? Everybody else has simple twisty bits of plastic but that’s obviously not Gallic enough for you. Why spend 5 minutes changing a bulb when you can spend 40 minutes flicking away at a stupid bit of metal then having to find a child because only their tiny little hands fit in the space your designer thought was acceptable for prying at the stubbord spring.

A further saving could be made by firing the author of the manual that thought opening the spring was a simple case of squeezing gently at the top. Did they even see the spring or was the concept of the device whispered to them casually at the end of an absinthe filled Christmas party? Please update the documentation replacing it with the following –

Claw blindly round the back of the bits of metal you can’t actually see, ignoring the area specified in the diagram, until something sharp embeds itself into your already raw and bleeding fingers. Painfully flick this sliver of metal around like a teenage boy pleasuring his first love if his first love were in fact made of barbed wire for 20 minutes until you happen to stumble on the correct direction. Watch helplessly as the spring flies away from the lights into some dark crevice under the dirtiest, tightest part of the engine.

Regards,

Mr Fatuous

I appreciate that this blog post is very niche but the 205 and 206 were popular cars and I can’t have been the only poor sod to have to change the bulbs in them. Besides, it’s cheaper than therapy and less likely to get me locked up than screaming my lungs out and pissing on every French car I see.

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Food Inane Banter

Black Armband Time

Sniff, it’s sad news indeed. The inventor of the doner kebab has died.

If you do go to the funeral he should be easy to spot. He’ll be half hanging out of a soggy coffin covered in mouldy, out of date floral display.

Mahmut Aygun, I salute you.