Category: Inane Banter

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Food Inane Banter

Not So Jammy

There was a man I used to know at work who was the embodiment of single-man’s logic. It was the perfect example of logical minimalism combined with deep, deep sadness. So he went through the minimal amount of effort and waste for his lunch at work this is what he used to do.

The night before he would take two slices of frozen bread from his sliced loaf in the freezer. He would spread jam on the frozen pieces, stick them together, wrap in cling-film and put them in the fridge. By the time he got to work the next day and it reached lunch time his bread had defrosted and he had a jam sandwich for his lunch.

It was both nerd genius and also a shining example of why men need women to save them from becoming lazy, pitiful creatures. However he is a god compared to anyone sad enough to need to buy this sandwich. This isn’t just sadness, this is Marks & Spencer dying a virgin sadness.

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Food Inane Banter

The Smell of Success

Boffins have  broken down the smell of chips.

Nine aromas including butterscotch, cocoa, onion, cheese and even …ironing boards, all combine to help make chips one of Britain’s iconic dishes, it is said.

Okaaaaaayyyyy

Dr Graham Clayton said: “Whether oven-cooked or fried, the humble chip doesn’t smell of just chips”

I think you’ll find that’s exactly what they smell of.

“Perhaps these findings will see chips treated like wine in the future – with chip fans turning into buffs as they impress their friends with eloquent descriptions of their favourite fries.”

Yes of course that’s what will happen. “Mmmmm I’m getting butterscotch with a hint of marzipan.” “No Dave, you’re getting fat you greasy bastard.”

Can’t the brainiacs just enjoy chips for being a greasy treat.

Next weeks shocking news from the lab, “wanking, it’s just applying friction to your genitals.”

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Inane Banter

Dead Warm

File this under “fucking mental” as Denis Norden might have said if he had a potty mouth which he doesn’t, well he might have but not on TV at any rate.

Why stop with just using pigs and cows to heat our schools? People are getting fatter and less religious. Looks like there’s a handy supply of “heating oil” at the local crematorium. Donated your lungs to science? Why not donate a bit of warmth to a class of schoolchildren  on a cold February morning?

That little bit of warmth may just be the tipping point that causes an embarrassing stirring in some hormone riddled teenage boy and that’s got to be worth something hasn’t it?

Categories
Pointless Inventions

Pointless Inventions No 1

I was waiting in a reception area the other day that had a coffee machine on free vend. It was a fancy looking device and I was thirsty so I pressed the button for a coffee. It was then I noticed something unusual, it wasn’t that the machine had an LCD as lots of coffee machines have displays these days. It was the fact that the LCD was displaying a progress bar as it prepared the coffee.

I don’t know if the makers of this machine were aware but all coffee machines have a progress bar. When the funny dark liquid makes its way to the top of the white container the coffee is ready.

How did we ever cope.

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Inane Banter

and still the most liked Thatcher

It appears that Carol Thatcher has been taken off the one show for calling a tennis player a golliwog.

For those that don’t know a golliwog was a popular character years ago. A cheerful, cute little guy he’d still be popular today were it not for it’s stonkingly obvious racial overtones.

This was being discussed on the BBC news last night and about half way through they had an interview with a lawyer.

I’m saying nothing.

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Debunk

Popular Myth Smashed

They say you always want what you haven’t got.

Now I’ve grown a pair of my own breasts I can confirm I still like the ones attached to ladies just as much as I did before.

The site has been going for just over a year and there’s your first joke. Same time next year.

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Inane Banter

Sale Now On

Here is how I imagine sales working.

Company X gets product Y that they want to sell. They add a margin on it and then sell these onto the customer. After a while the product Y becomes old and stale and everybody wants product Z. Company X wants rid of product Y to make way for the new hotness that is product Z. Company X has a sale and drops the price of Y. People who liked Y but couldn’t afford it now can whilst people with money enjoy product Z. Everybody is happy.

Christmas sales work in a similar way only there’s a huge amount of product as everyone is buying for Christmas. Some things aren’t as popular or the shop buys too many of them. After Christmas it has a January sale to get rid of the excess to make way for next years greatness.

All with me so far? Nothing too complicated with that is there?

OK, now explain to me why a car rental company has just emailed me with it’s January sale? Has it suddenly found itself with a big pile of rental in the corner. “Quick Dave get rid of all this unsold rental, it’s stinking up the place. The new rental arrives next week.” “Fucking hell Steve this rental is getting a bit threadbare, lets sell it on this car quick so we can stick the fresh rental on it as soon as it gets back.” “Oh my God, did you just see Michelle in her January rental? That’s so last year, it’s got to be February rental this season.”

I though that was bad enough until I walked past the bookmakers yesterday and noticed they a sale sign in the window. “Ah shite Sean would you look at all the horse bets we’ve got left over. whatever will we do with them?”

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Inane Banter

We’ve Been Expecting You Mr Fatuous

You know how when you are little even silly things can seem perfectly valid and even likely. Logic flies out of the window dragging common sense along with it. It even seems silly enough for you to even dare mention it to peers or family but still the thought remains.

Eventually you grow up and shrug off the silly idea. You admit the were no monsters under your bed, that the bogeyman isn’t hiding in your loft and that your imaginary friend Dave didn’t even exist let alone pull your sister’s hair.

In spite of being well into my 30s, ignoring the logistical nightmares involved let alone the health and safety issues can somebody explain why my adult brain is still toying with the idea that every swimming pool in the country has a shark underneath the pool that they keep locked up until you are the only one in the pool and then they press a button which opens up the little grates at the deep end releasing said chondrichthye?

Categories
Inane Banter

Supermarket Baiting

Has your supermarket starting bleating on about how green it is trying to be despite pumping as much crap into the environment as a planet full of brussel sprout eating cows?

How do they show how green they are? By using flimsier and flimsier bags and then trying to get us to reuse them so the trip to and from the car becomes a shopping based game of buckaroo.

I like to bait them. In the boot of my car I have bags from several different supermarkets. If I’m in Sainsburys I use Tesco bags, if in Asda then Morrisons, if in Lidl I’d use a tramps sleeping bag. In your face supermarkets, you’re giving me green points to advertise your competition right under own roof!

I’m not the world’s most dangerous rebel.

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Advent

Merry Christmas Everyone

Deary me, Christmas must be going well if you are on the internet today. I’m busy tucking into my Christmas dinner whilst this post magically appears.

Here, as a treat, is a handy summary of all the advent posts to kill some time in your lonely lives.

Day One – A mouse giving it jazz hands.
Day Two – The mouse’s less talented mate.
Day Three – Pyro Panda.
Day Four – I lose the will to live.
Day Five – Alignment issues.
Day Six – Cocking baubles.
Day Seven – I manage to link robins to Blur.
Day Eight – Terry Nutkins Xmas poser.
Day Nine – The stiff corpse of Alan Carr.
Day Ten – Horny squirrel.
Day Eleven – Christmas menus.
Day Twelve – Shit joke alert.
Day Thirteen – An accident waiting to happen.
Day Fourteen – Foot fetish.
Day Fifteen – Wiki to the rescue.
Day Sixteen – Another mouse.
Day Seventeen – Posey Penguin.
Day Eighteen – Bugger me.
Day Nineteen – I fail to make a Paul Hardcastle joke.
Day Twenty – I fuck up the numbering scheme.
Day Twenty One – I fuck up the numbering scheme in a different way although I’m still not sure, which is worse.
Day Twenty Two – Robot Don Estelle.
Day Twenty Three – Action stations kids!
Day Twenty Four – Mmmmm pie.
Day Twenty Five – This one you fucking clown.

If anyone wants me to post them the actual advent calendar then answer the following question.

“I am so brain dessicatingly stupid that I want the crap advent calendar because…”

Best answer wins the advent calendar*

*By “best” I probably mean “only” and by “win” I mean “ends up with.”

Merry Christmas everyone.