Tag: Christmas

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Advent

Day Sixteen

This little mouse is covering all the Christmas bases. He’s in a Christmas boot and he’s got mistletoe. He only needs the hat and he’d be unstoppable.

I’m assuming he’s a mouse although he could be a rat or even a teddy bear with jug ears. Nobody wants an otographically challenged bear and somewhere in the dark past somebody decided that mice are cute but rats are vermin. You cause one plague and they never let you forget.

Now we’ve established that it is a mouse, I can quite safely say, that unless he pays close attention Santa is going to be picking mouse bones out of his foot this Christmas.

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Advent

Day Fifteen

Some advent picture practically write themselves. Animals in hats are easy, Christmas puddings less so. Today is an absolute stinker.

It’s a wreath, the most dull of all the floral displays. It’s not exactly jumping up and down with fun is it.

I even resorted to wikipedia to try and eke out a few facts to play with. I discovered the following.

  • Guess what, the Christians nicked this idea. It originally represented the cycle of the seasons. Is there any part of any major Christian festival that wasn’t stolen from somewhere else? Ah yes, the bringing of the tinned goods to the church for harvest festival.
  • Johann Hinrich Wichern, who surprisingly was German like that’s not the most German name ever, may have came up with the idea to stop kids going, “Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Haaahhhhhhhh. Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet?” etc.
  • They sound like a right fire hazard. Even worse than angels’ nighties. Yeah let’s mix dried twigs with candles, what could possibly go wrong.
  • Purple is the historic liturgical colour for three of the four Sundays of Advent in much the same way that Pringles were the official salted snack of the Olympics. I wonder if there is an historical liturgical scent for the Sundays of Advent. I’m going for pine and stale digestives.
  • You can have a Christ candle. They really missed a trick with this one. They should have used one of those joke birthday candles that when you blow it out it mysteriously relights shortly afterwards. You can have that idea for free Christian church.

Fortunately wiki has given me enough structure for the spout of dribble to erupt from. I nearly had to rely of this wreath joke I found.

Q: Which famous person do you get when you make a wreath out of $100 bills?

A: Aretha Franklin!

Even Giles Brandreth wouldn’t touch that one.

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Advent

Day Fourteen

Who was it when faced with the problem of how to store unopened presents dismissed bags, turned their nose up at boxes and other sensible ideas and said, “You know what, we should just shove them in an over-sized sock.”

You hosiery obsessed fruitcake.

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Advent

Day Thirteen

angel (Oxford English Dictionary)

  • noun 1 a spiritual being believed to act as an attendant or messenger of God, conventionally represented as being of human form with wings. 2 a person of great beauty, kindness, or virtue. 3 theatrical slang a financial backer. 4 a former English coin bearing the figure of the archangel Michael killing a dragon.

angel (Fatuous English Dictionary)

  • noun 1 some ugly, flying bird that is a clear fire hazard should that naked flame come close to her acrylic nightie.
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Advent

Day Eleven

Looks like this duck is making up for not being very Christmassy what with the hat and the bauble. “But wait,” you say, “you can eat duck at Christmas.” You can but as I’ll show it’s not a flattering creature.

  • Turkey – Middle of the road unimaginative types. Often served with ham too so double the meat fun.
  • Goose – Posh people. Wolfed down in time to stand for the Queen’s speech then off to beat foxes with polo mallets.
  • Duck – Posh people who don’t have any friends. Small enough that you can finish it off on your own before crying into your vintage port.
  • Bernard Matthew’s Turkey Drummers – The bedsit Christmas feast. You can splash out and serve it with Ye Old Oak Ham if your giro came early.
  • Nut Roast – Veggie option that makes the baby Jesus cry. Shepards came to visit him, not nut growers.
  • Sticks, mud and a wicker man – Pagan beardies still upset that their excuse to freeze their bits off dancing in the snow was hijacked by the church.
  • Special Brew with a bit of tinsel on top – Tramps.

I’ve also just noticed he’s only centimeters away from being buggered by a reindeer which I’m not sure is the true meaning of Christmas.

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Advent

Day Nine

Forgetting about the advent for a moment today was a very Childish day at Chez Fatuous. Mrs Fatuous had the day off and we had stale bread so we decided that we’d go to a nearby lough and feed the ducks. The ducks there must be fed bread on an hourly basis so have no fear of people and will jump all over your feet to get closer to the lovely loaf. If you have flimsy shoes on you can feel their feet and they do feel as weird as you’d imagine.

Whilst feeding the ducks I noticed a strange, new construction over by the kids play area. I decided we’d have a look once we were done. As we got closer it looked like a sparse, badly constructed climbing frame. Nearby was a sign that told us what it was.

Turns out it was an i.play which it turns out is a cross between Mike Reid’s Runaround and boppit. We were very lucky that there was no-one else around so we had a few rounds and it was great fun. If it wasn’t too far away I’d have looked forward to trying it blind drunk at two in the morning but sadly it would require a car and remember kids, drink driving is bad.

Anyway, back to advent, which is either a sleigh or it’s a close-up of Alan Carr’s mouth should he ever suffer from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Alan mate, get a sensor fitted, I couldn’t like with myself if a badly fitted boiler did for you.

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Advent

Day Eight

I can’t get to the camera at the moment so you can’t see day 8. I’ll give you a few clues and see if you can guess. The name of the object can go before or after the following words.

  • end
  • door
  • church
  • inda Carlisle (sort of)

I’ll post the image up later on. It’s so not worth this quiz and this quiz is weak. That should give you an idea of the level of poor we are talking.

Update

That’s right boys and girls, the answer was “Terry Nutkin’s missing digits.”

Ok, so it was a bell.

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Advent

Eat My Pingback!

Dear Hot Christmas Online,

I know you are just some crappy bot but if you are going to harvest the shite I post here are a few bits of advice.

  • I am not unknown. I am Mr. Fatuous. It’s not a great name, it’s not even a real name but it is the name mentioned on this site.
  • I do not write interesting posts, I write barely thought through dribble. The best I ever come up with is a vaguely amusing simile and that’s only because I never got the hang of metaphors.
  • If you think my post was interesting at least quote some of it. What you’ve done there is post extracts of the comments. The fatuteers as I like to call them often come up with great comments and I love them to bits but it’s just hurtful of you to suggest the best bits come after I shut up.

So Hot Christmas Online it is with absolutely no regret whatsoever I will have to remove any traces of your pingback.

Now if everyone can post Hot Christmas Online insults in the comments field hopefully we can get the Hot Christmas Online bot to post crap about itself. I’ll get the ball rolling.

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Advent

Day Seven

Hanging around the same area day after day.

Attacking others that move into it’s patch.

Likes making a racket.

Only stops fighting long enough for a shag.

What could be more festive than the robin.

That twig is never going to hold him. You should cut down on your fatballs mate, get some exercise.

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Advent

Day Five

It’s 1979, your first holiday abroad and you’ve got one of those fancy little compact cameras. You snap many memorable scenes, a straw donkey, a waiter pouring wine from really high up using a silly jug, Dad asleep on a lounger after too many sangrias, a cockroach etc. When you get hope you pop the film into a little envelope and send it off to prontoprint and wait. When the photos finally come back you open them up and discover that due to the viewfinder being slightly higher than the lens you’ve managed to chop the top of everybodys’ head off.

Not a problem with an SLR and not you’d assume a problem when you are drawing something for inclusion in an advent calendar. The “artist” didn’t send his pen off to prontodraw and then get the pictures back two weeks later to discover he’d forgotten his eyes were higher than his pen. Yet looking back at every window so far the tops have been chopped off. This wasn’t so obvious when we had the excitement of animals wearing hats but it must have registered in my subconscious yesterday with the tree and now with this Christmas cake it’s bloody obvious.

I can’t wait for the first angel that gets it’s halo chopped off.