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Advent 2009 – Day 20

There’s easy listening then there’s comatose listening. Christmas time is Foster and Allen time.

What do Foster and Allen do for the rest of the year?

I reckon they are held in stasis until next Christmas when they are wheeled out again to wander fields singing folk dirge.

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Advent

Advent 2009 – Day 19

Another day closer to the day each year when the telly bosses throw in the white towel and admit they have been sitting on their arses for another year and still haven’t found any better family entertainment than Shirley Bassey getting her foot stuck in a step and having to wear a boot.

That and Andre Preview.

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Advent

Advent 2009 – Day 18

It’s round about now that the vicars start appearing on “Thought for the day” bleating on about how in todays consumer culture we should remember Jesus and the true meaning of Christmas.

Funny they never mention the true meaning was closer to a load of naked pagans rolling around in mud to give thanks to some earth goddess for not letting them starve during the winter months.

That they stole.

And now Coca Cola has stolen it from them.

Cry me a river.

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Advent 2009 – Day 17

Dante missed a circle of hell. This circle comprises row after row after row of desks. Each desk is home to a couple, the couple are filling in Christmas cards. Christmas cards to distant friends, people they met on holiday, the auntie who smells of wee, old bosses and the vicar they lied to when they wanted to use his church for the wedding.

There are two pens, one is an old bic with next to no ink that only works for 0.2 seconds at a time. The other is an ancient fountain pen with a nib that has a mind of it’s own.

Half the friends may have moved in the past year.

The other half have separated.

The stamps are of the old type that you have to lick.

The envelopes are all slightly too small for the cards.

Each envelope will deliver a paper cut.

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Advent

Advent 2009 – Day 16

Royal Mail brightened my day today when this landed on my doorstep.

Click the image to see the large version.

The card and envelope came in a little plastic bag from Royal Mail apologising for the damage. The key sentence is

If you think any of the items are missing or damaged

Well Royal Mail now you come to mention it,

I THINK THE BOTTOM RIGHT HAND CORNER OF THE CARD IS MISSING YOU DOZY TWATS

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Advent

Advent 2009 – Day 15

Ah the Christmas film season. In these days of DVDs, P2P film stealing, postal film services etc it’s easy to forget that not so long ago Christmas was the time when most of us got to watch films that had been released in the past 3 – 5 years time.

I was reminded of this as a sat watching the bluray of robocop complete with the getting his hand shot scene and unbleeped “bad motherfucker.”

The 12 year old me wouldn’t have believed his eyes. Until he saw the melty bloke getting hit by the car and seeing how fat the future him had turned out, then he would have had nightmares.

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Advent

Advent 2009 – Day 14

Christmas truly is a time for unwanted knitted goods.

Look at him sniffing the hat, do you think people can get turned on by knitting?

This is the internet, of course they can!

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Advent

Advent 2009 – Day 13

Any day now you should be receiving your first “Doris” card.

A large number of you may have no idea what a “Doris” card is, even those who receive or even, heaven forbid, send them. It’s very simple, there is only one real rule.

If the card consists of a photograph, primarily of a Christmas scene then it’s a Doris. Baubles are always popular as are robins. It must be a photograph though, it’s easy to think you have a Doris when in fact some idiot has painstakingly painted a photo-realistic bauble.

Doris experts can spot a Doris before they even open the card. Giving you these handy clues will allow you to gamble and play the Doris Dare game. To play the Doris Dare game you have to guess before opening the envelope whether the card will be a Doris. Get it right and you win a point, get it wrong and you have to send a Doris card out yourself. The overall loser must send nothing but Doris cards the next year.

Doris Clues

  1. Is the envelope suspiciously light? Doris cards are usually made of the flimsiest paper going.
  2. Has the envelope been written in the spidery scrawl of a pensioner?
  3. Are you surprised that the card got there at all the address is so incorrect?
  4. Has the price of posting gone up at least twice since the stamp on the envelope was purchased?

Happy Doris hunting everyone. I’ll try and post some samples as they arrive. I usually get at least two.

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Advent

Advent 2009 – Day 12

December is a time for Christmas office parties.

Mine was last night which is why this post is late and there’s no photo.

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Advent 2009 – Day 11

What is the point of mulled wine?

If I want my wine warm and smelling funny I’ll drink it straight from the tramp.