Advent 2009 – Christmas Day

Poor little Sally, she fell off a building onto heroin syringes whilst rescuing her little sister from a gang of Columbian drug lords armed with chainsaws.

Her legs crushed, arms brittle twigs, blind and forced to breathe through a machine, every day is a terrible struggle.

And then to make things worse along came Noel Edmonds, looming over her, drenching her in saccharine.

Merry Christmas little Timmy, Merry Christmas everyone*

* Even Noel**

** but mainly for swap shop***

*** and that was mainly for the dinosaur****

**** and Cheggars


Advent 2009 – Day 23

As I dropped the kids off at the pool I noticed my wife had bought some Christmas toilet paper.

I wonder if real penguins are as soft and absorbent?


Advent 2009 – Day 22

Do you remember your first deodorant? It doesn’t matter if you don’t because if you were a boy it was probably Lynx. Either that or you are too old and you just used soap and water. There’s also a tiny chance you hit puberty in the two week window when insignia was popular but it’s a fairly safe bet it was Lynx.

The hormone addled you would spray every nook and cranny hoping to

a) Mask the teenage funk that oozed out of every pore.

b) Impress the girls

Lynx failed in both regards as it was useless. An hour after using it the smell had completely gone and teenage odour resumed. This was genius as Lynx was all you knew so instead of trying something else you just kept applying it throughout the day. Then as soon as you hit your twenties you discover right-guard or one of the other antiperspirants that actually work and Lynx is no more.

Of course your family never realise this and you are doomed to get a gift box of Lynx goodies every Christmas. The deodorant is either shoved in a gym bag or used as an air freshener in the toilet. You try and use the shower gel and quickly remember that unlike every other shower gel in the world, even the cheapest, don’t suffer the same flaw as Lynx shower gel.

The flaw both makes sure you buy more Lynx than you need and also helps teenage boys by reminding them of a certain part of their teenage bodies.

If you even so much a look at it funny then stuff start glooping out of the end. Touch it and it ends up all over the floor.


Advent 2009 – Day 21

Will it snow this year the bookies ponder?

No, no it won’t.


Advent 2009 – Day 20

There’s easy listening then there’s comatose listening. Christmas time is Foster and Allen time.

What do Foster and Allen do for the rest of the year?

I reckon they are held in stasis until next Christmas when they are wheeled out again to wander fields singing folk dirge.


Advent 2009 – Day 19

Another day closer to the day each year when the telly bosses throw in the white towel and admit they have been sitting on their arses for another year and still haven’t found any better family entertainment than Shirley Bassey getting her foot stuck in a step and having to wear a boot.

That and Andre Preview.


Advent 2009 – Day 18

It’s round about now that the vicars start appearing on “Thought for the day” bleating on about how in todays consumer culture we should remember Jesus and the true meaning of Christmas.

Funny they never mention the true meaning was closer to a load of naked pagans rolling around in mud to give thanks to some earth goddess for not letting them starve during the winter months.

That they stole.

And now Coca Cola has stolen it from them.

Cry me a river.


Advent 2009 – Day 17

Dante missed a circle of hell. This circle comprises row after row after row of desks. Each desk is home to a couple, the couple are filling in Christmas cards. Christmas cards to distant friends, people they met on holiday, the auntie who smells of wee, old bosses and the vicar they lied to when they wanted to use his church for the wedding.

There are two pens, one is an old bic with next to no ink that only works for 0.2 seconds at a time. The other is an ancient fountain pen with a nib that has a mind of it’s own.

Half the friends may have moved in the past year.

The other half have separated.

The stamps are of the old type that you have to lick.

The envelopes are all slightly too small for the cards.

Each envelope will deliver a paper cut.


Advent 2009 – Day 16

Royal Mail brightened my day today when this landed on my doorstep.

Click the image to see the large version.

The card and envelope came in a little plastic bag from Royal Mail apologising for the damage. The key sentence is

If you think any of the items are missing or damaged

Well Royal Mail now you come to mention it,



Advent 2009 – Day 15

Ah the Christmas film season. In these days of DVDs, P2P film stealing, postal film services etc it’s easy to forget that not so long ago Christmas was the time when most of us got to watch films that had been released in the past 3 – 5 years time.

I was reminded of this as a sat watching the bluray of robocop complete with the getting his hand shot scene and unbleeped “bad motherfucker.”

The 12 year old me wouldn’t have believed his eyes. Until he saw the melty bloke getting hit by the car and seeing how fat the future him had turned out, then he would have had nightmares.