Poor little Sally, she fell off a building onto heroin syringes whilst rescuing her little sister from a gang of Columbian drug lords armed with chainsaws.
Her legs crushed, arms brittle twigs, blind and forced to breathe through a machine, every day is a terrible struggle.
And then to make things worse along came Noel Edmonds, looming over her, drenching her in saccharine.
Merry Christmas little Timmy, Merry Christmas everyone*
* Even Noel**
** but mainly for swap shop***
*** and that was mainly for the dinosaur****
**** and Cheggars