Christmas truly is a time for unwanted knitted goods.
Look at him sniffing the hat, do you think people can get turned on by knitting?
This is the internet, of course they can!
Categories
Tag: 2009
Categories
Advent 2009 – Day 13
Any day now you should be receiving your first “Doris” card.
A large number of you may have no idea what a “Doris” card is, even those who receive or even, heaven forbid, send them. It’s very simple, there is only one real rule.
If the card consists of a photograph, primarily of a Christmas scene then it’s a Doris. Baubles are always popular as are robins. It must be a photograph though, it’s easy to think you have a Doris when in fact some idiot has painstakingly painted a photo-realistic bauble.
Doris experts can spot a Doris before they even open the card. Giving you these handy clues will allow you to gamble and play the Doris Dare game. To play the Doris Dare game you have to guess before opening the envelope whether the card will be a Doris. Get it right and you win a point, get it wrong and you have to send a Doris card out yourself. The overall loser must send nothing but Doris cards the next year.
Doris Clues
- Is the envelope suspiciously light? Doris cards are usually made of the flimsiest paper going.
- Has the envelope been written in the spidery scrawl of a pensioner?
- Are you surprised that the card got there at all the address is so incorrect?
- Has the price of posting gone up at least twice since the stamp on the envelope was purchased?
Happy Doris hunting everyone. I’ll try and post some samples as they arrive. I usually get at least two.
Categories
Advent 2009 – Day 11
What is the point of mulled wine?
If I want my wine warm and smelling funny I’ll drink it straight from the tramp.
Categories
Advent 2009 – Day 10
Oi Blumenthal, you’d better get you turkey in now at just over room temperature if you want it cooked by Christmas next year.
Categories
Advent 2009 – Day 9
Categories
Advent 2009 – Day 8
Queuing in the rain, fighting other parents, paying way over the odds just so you can see the rosy glow of your kids faces on Christmas day?
That glow just got that bit easier thanks to Mr Squiggle’s antimony.
Categories
Advent 2009 – Day 7
There is a campaign on Facebook to try and get “Killing In The Name” by Rage Against The Machine to number one instead of whichever song Cowell tries to butcher.
Obviously these sorts of things get a bit of press but ultimately fail. It’s a shame as in my youth I enjoyed the delicious irony of standing in a field with thousands of other people shouting “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” as much as the next man. Or the next thousand men for that matter.
There is only one way the scheme could possibly win. Somebody bundle Jedward into a studio and get them to record it. I’d pay good money to hear the little haircunts growling “Motherfucker!”
Categories
Advent 2009 – Day 6
It wouldn’t be Christmas without the pointless Christmas number one. As if the fact that nobody buys singles any more wasn’t enough to devalue the chart along comes the gigantic talent vacuum called the X Factor to make sure only the blandest, most insipid, wanky old horse-piss gets to number one.
Categories
Advent 2009 – Day 5
Celebrity perfumes, who wants to smell like a celebrity?
If I wanted the whiff of make-up, crushed dreams and drugs I’d have gone to live with a troupe of Glaswegian clowns.
Categories
Advent 2009 – Day 4
Nothing says I love the tacky side of Christmas quite like this
I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest the tax payer pays the electricity bills of 90% of “blackpool houses.” I’m sure there are countries that survive on less electricity than some of these houses.