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Advent 2009 – Day 17

Dante missed a circle of hell. This circle comprises row after row after row of desks. Each desk is home to a couple, the couple are filling in Christmas cards. Christmas cards to distant friends, people they met on holiday, the auntie who smells of wee, old bosses and the vicar they lied to when they wanted to use his church for the wedding.

There are two pens, one is an old bic with next to no ink that only works for 0.2 seconds at a time. The other is an ancient fountain pen with a nib that has a mind of it’s own.

Half the friends may have moved in the past year.

The other half have separated.

The stamps are of the old type that you have to lick.

The envelopes are all slightly too small for the cards.

Each envelope will deliver a paper cut.

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Advent

Advent 2009 – Day 16

Royal Mail brightened my day today when this landed on my doorstep.

Click the image to see the large version.

The card and envelope came in a little plastic bag from Royal Mail apologising for the damage. The key sentence is

If you think any of the items are missing or damaged

Well Royal Mail now you come to mention it,

I THINK THE BOTTOM RIGHT HAND CORNER OF THE CARD IS MISSING YOU DOZY TWATS

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Advent 2009 – Day 15

Ah the Christmas film season. In these days of DVDs, P2P film stealing, postal film services etc it’s easy to forget that not so long ago Christmas was the time when most of us got to watch films that had been released in the past 3 – 5 years time.

I was reminded of this as a sat watching the bluray of robocop complete with the getting his hand shot scene and unbleeped “bad motherfucker.”

The 12 year old me wouldn’t have believed his eyes. Until he saw the melty bloke getting hit by the car and seeing how fat the future him had turned out, then he would have had nightmares.

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Advent 2009 – Day 14

Christmas truly is a time for unwanted knitted goods.

Look at him sniffing the hat, do you think people can get turned on by knitting?

This is the internet, of course they can!

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Advent 2009 – Day 13

Any day now you should be receiving your first “Doris” card.

A large number of you may have no idea what a “Doris” card is, even those who receive or even, heaven forbid, send them. It’s very simple, there is only one real rule.

If the card consists of a photograph, primarily of a Christmas scene then it’s a Doris. Baubles are always popular as are robins. It must be a photograph though, it’s easy to think you have a Doris when in fact some idiot has painstakingly painted a photo-realistic bauble.

Doris experts can spot a Doris before they even open the card. Giving you these handy clues will allow you to gamble and play the Doris Dare game. To play the Doris Dare game you have to guess before opening the envelope whether the card will be a Doris. Get it right and you win a point, get it wrong and you have to send a Doris card out yourself. The overall loser must send nothing but Doris cards the next year.

Doris Clues

  1. Is the envelope suspiciously light? Doris cards are usually made of the flimsiest paper going.
  2. Has the envelope been written in the spidery scrawl of a pensioner?
  3. Are you surprised that the card got there at all the address is so incorrect?
  4. Has the price of posting gone up at least twice since the stamp on the envelope was purchased?

Happy Doris hunting everyone. I’ll try and post some samples as they arrive. I usually get at least two.

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Advent 2009 – Day 11

What is the point of mulled wine?

If I want my wine warm and smelling funny I’ll drink it straight from the tramp.

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Advent 2009 – Day 10

Oi Blumenthal, you’d better get you turkey in now at just over room temperature if you want it cooked by Christmas next year.

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Advent 2009 – Day 9

Another great gift, ideal for kids of all ages.

It’s Paedo-Mouse!

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Advent 2009 – Day 8

Queuing in the rain, fighting other parents, paying way over the odds just so you can see the rosy glow of your kids faces on Christmas day?

That glow just got that bit easier thanks to Mr Squiggle’s antimony.

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Advent 2009 – Day 7

There is a campaign on Facebook to try and get “Killing In The Name” by Rage Against The Machine to number one instead of whichever song Cowell tries to butcher.

Obviously these sorts of things get a bit of press but ultimately fail. It’s a shame as in my youth I enjoyed the delicious irony of standing in a field with thousands of other people shouting “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” as much as the next man. Or the next thousand men for that matter.

There is only one way the scheme could possibly win. Somebody bundle Jedward into a studio and get them to record it. I’d pay good money to hear the little haircunts growling “Motherfucker!”