Advent 2009 – Day 6

It wouldn’t be Christmas without the pointless Christmas number one. As if the fact that nobody buys singles any more wasn’t enough to devalue the chart along comes the gigantic talent vacuum called the X Factor to make sure only the blandest, most insipid, wanky old horse-piss gets to number one.


Advent 2009 – Day 5

Celebrity perfumes, who wants to smell like a celebrity?

If I wanted the whiff of make-up, crushed dreams and drugs I’d have gone to live with a troupe of Glaswegian clowns.


Advent 2009 – Day 4

Nothing says I love the tacky side of Christmas quite like this

I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest the tax payer pays the electricity bills of 90% of “blackpool houses.” I’m sure there are countries that survive on less electricity than some of these houses.


Advent 2009 – Day 3

Come on Steve! This time you can make it.


Advent 2009 – Day 2

So much bile, so little high ground to stand on to stop it slopping round his ankles.


Advent 2009 – Day 1

The song of this hairy angel beckons in Christmas time.

That’s right, it’s Noddy Holder fucking the ears of Christmas shoppers once again.


It’s That Time Of The Year Again – Advent 2009

This year I bring terrible news. The credit crunch resulted in the closure of the newsagent I got my crappy advent from last year. I searched high and low to find another shite advent emporium but I couldn’t find one anywhere. Chocolate filled ones were no problem again but this really does seem to be the death of the cheap picture advents. Even the religious bookshop in town that hasn’t seen a new stock delivery since 1974 didn’t have any.

Rather than spend the next 24 days describing poor but identical pieces of chocolate I set myself the rather rash challenge of coming up with a crappy advent picture every day instead.

Rash because I don’t have a lot of spare time, rash because I’m lazy and rash because I’m bound to dry up before day 10 let alone day 24. If you want to help the creative juices just let me know what you think of when you think of Christmas and the build up. I’ll then knock together a hasty photoshop* approximation.

*it’s actually Paint Shop Pro, I’m not made of money or pirates.


Merry Christmas Everyone

Deary me, Christmas must be going well if you are on the internet today. I’m busy tucking into my Christmas dinner whilst this post magically appears.

Here, as a treat, is a handy summary of all the advent posts to kill some time in your lonely lives.

Day One – A mouse giving it jazz hands.
Day Two – The mouse’s less talented mate.
Day Three – Pyro Panda.
Day Four – I lose the will to live.
Day Five – Alignment issues.
Day Six – Cocking baubles.
Day Seven – I manage to link robins to Blur.
Day Eight – Terry Nutkins Xmas poser.
Day Nine – The stiff corpse of Alan Carr.
Day Ten – Horny squirrel.
Day Eleven – Christmas menus.
Day Twelve – Shit joke alert.
Day Thirteen – An accident waiting to happen.
Day Fourteen – Foot fetish.
Day Fifteen – Wiki to the rescue.
Day Sixteen – Another mouse.
Day Seventeen – Posey Penguin.
Day Eighteen – Bugger me.
Day Nineteen – I fail to make a Paul Hardcastle joke.
Day Twenty – I fuck up the numbering scheme.
Day Twenty One – I fuck up the numbering scheme in a different way although I’m still not sure, which is worse.
Day Twenty Two – Robot Don Estelle.
Day Twenty Three – Action stations kids!
Day Twenty Four – Mmmmm pie.
Day Twenty Five – This one you fucking clown.

If anyone wants me to post them the actual advent calendar then answer the following question.

“I am so brain dessicatingly stupid that I want the crap advent calendar because…”

Best answer wins the advent calendar*

*By “best” I probably mean “only” and by “win” I mean “ends up with.”

Merry Christmas everyone.


Christmas Eve

Baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus…

Baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus, baby Jesus…

Wait a minute? Joseph and Mary appear to be praying to a large cottage pie. Does that mean the true meaning of Christmas is to add carrots, a rich gravy and to grate a bit of cheese on top?

How could we all have been so blind?


Day Twenty Three

Today’s picture acts as a handy reminder for little children.

That’s right kids, time to crank it up a notch. Parent pestering should be reaching critical mass right about now. If mommy and daddy have even one second to think about something other than Christmas in the past few days then you’ve failed.

Go remind them now.

Hang on, what are you doing reading this blog? It’s got swearing and everything!