Day Twentyone

How do you follow up the majestic cock and balls from yesterday?

It’s a lantern. I’ve tried turning it upside down, squinting, doing the “hidden picture” cross-eyed look, tilting the calendar, everything but I still can’t quite get it to look like a vagina. I thought the tufts of foliage might help but it didn’t.

Stupid lamp.


Day 20

What a beautiful display. Traditional yet modern, chic with a hint of chintz, minimalist yet packed with detail, the artist has surpassed himself today.

Yes, the artist has managed to turn a Christmas scene into a cock and balls. He’s even used the flame as the trademark spurt of spunk. Truly genius.


Day Nineteen

This is what the aunt who would later buy you book tokens bought you before you were old enough to use a book token.

On receiving this cheap box of paints you would be expected to look grateful and even kiss said aunt on her ancient, puckered lips.

The only possible fun you could have with the with the paints was creating an impromptu fresco in the lounge while no-one was looking or swiftly trying to eat the blue tablet of paint if they were.


Day Eighteen

It’s a choirboy probably blasting out “little donkey” for all it’s worth.

It’s a rather unfortunate choirboy though. He has a funny sticky-out ear and a dodgy eye.

Worst of all he appears to be lacking a bottom half and as any priest will tell you, a choirboy without a bottom half is no choirboy at all.


Day Seventeen

Oh look, it’s a penguin. Cocky little fucker isn’t even wearing the hat, he thinks he’s Christmassy enough.

Slight problem.

  1. We do not eat penguins at Christmas.
  2. There is no mention of penguins in the bible. I did a search to make sure. Even Noah didn’t have to bother about them what with them being aquatic and all that.
  3. Penguins didn’t visit the baby Jesus. Bethlehem seems to be lacking in ice flows.
  4. “Ah but penguins love snow and Father Christmas lives in a snowy place,” I hear you say. Nice try but Santa either lives in Lapland or the North Pole depending on who you believe. Both are very northerly one is as north as you can get. Penguins are found in the Southern Hemisphere and generally speaking very south at that.

So Mr la-de-da look at me I’m a penguin, put the hat on or get off my advent you un-Christmassy interloper. I don’t care if you’ve got a tux on or not.


Day Sixteen

This little mouse is covering all the Christmas bases. He’s in a Christmas boot and he’s got mistletoe. He only needs the hat and he’d be unstoppable.

I’m assuming he’s a mouse although he could be a rat or even a teddy bear with jug ears. Nobody wants an otographically challenged bear and somewhere in the dark past somebody decided that mice are cute but rats are vermin. You cause one plague and they never let you forget.

Now we’ve established that it is a mouse, I can quite safely say, that unless he pays close attention Santa is going to be picking mouse bones out of his foot this Christmas.


Day Fifteen

Some advent picture practically write themselves. Animals in hats are easy, Christmas puddings less so. Today is an absolute stinker.

It’s a wreath, the most dull of all the floral displays. It’s not exactly jumping up and down with fun is it.

I even resorted to wikipedia to try and eke out a few facts to play with. I discovered the following.

  • Guess what, the Christians nicked this idea. It originally represented the cycle of the seasons. Is there any part of any major Christian festival that wasn’t stolen from somewhere else? Ah yes, the bringing of the tinned goods to the church for harvest festival.
  • Johann Hinrich Wichern, who surprisingly was German like that’s not the most German name ever, may have came up with the idea to stop kids going, “Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Haaahhhhhhhh. Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet? Is it Christmas yet?” etc.
  • They sound like a right fire hazard. Even worse than angels’ nighties. Yeah let’s mix dried twigs with candles, what could possibly go wrong.
  • Purple is the historic liturgical colour for three of the four Sundays of Advent in much the same way that Pringles were the official salted snack of the Olympics. I wonder if there is an historical liturgical scent for the Sundays of Advent. I’m going for pine and stale digestives.
  • You can have a Christ candle. They really missed a trick with this one. They should have used one of those joke birthday candles that when you blow it out it mysteriously relights shortly afterwards. You can have that idea for free Christian church.

Fortunately wiki has given me enough structure for the spout of dribble to erupt from. I nearly had to rely of this wreath joke I found.

Q: Which famous person do you get when you make a wreath out of $100 bills?

A: Aretha Franklin!

Even Giles Brandreth wouldn’t touch that one.


Day Fourteen

Who was it when faced with the problem of how to store unopened presents dismissed bags, turned their nose up at boxes and other sensible ideas and said, “You know what, we should just shove them in an over-sized sock.”

You hosiery obsessed fruitcake.


Day Thirteen

angel (Oxford English Dictionary)

  • noun 1 a spiritual being believed to act as an attendant or messenger of God, conventionally represented as being of human form with wings. 2 a person of great beauty, kindness, or virtue. 3 theatrical slang a financial backer. 4 a former English coin bearing the figure of the archangel Michael killing a dragon.

angel (Fatuous English Dictionary)

  • noun 1 some ugly, flying bird that is a clear fire hazard should that naked flame come close to her acrylic nightie.

Day Eleven

Looks like this duck is making up for not being very Christmassy what with the hat and the bauble. “But wait,” you say, “you can eat duck at Christmas.” You can but as I’ll show it’s not a flattering creature.

  • Turkey – Middle of the road unimaginative types. Often served with ham too so double the meat fun.
  • Goose – Posh people. Wolfed down in time to stand for the Queen’s speech then off to beat foxes with polo mallets.
  • Duck – Posh people who don’t have any friends. Small enough that you can finish it off on your own before crying into your vintage port.
  • Bernard Matthew’s Turkey Drummers – The bedsit Christmas feast. You can splash out and serve it with Ye Old Oak Ham if your giro came early.
  • Nut Roast – Veggie option that makes the baby Jesus cry. Shepards came to visit him, not nut growers.
  • Sticks, mud and a wicker man – Pagan beardies still upset that their excuse to freeze their bits off dancing in the snow was hijacked by the church.
  • Special Brew with a bit of tinsel on top – Tramps.

I’ve also just noticed he’s only centimeters away from being buggered by a reindeer which I’m not sure is the true meaning of Christmas.