Category: Inane Banter

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Inane Banter

One for Sorrow

One for sorrow,
two for joy,
three for a girl,
four for a boy,
five for silver,
six for gold,
seven for a secret never to be told,
eight for a wish,
nine for a kiss,
ten for a time of joyous bliss.

That’s how I believe the rhyme about magpies goes. What the rhyme fails to cover is the sight a saw by the side of the motorway on my way home today. What does the sight of ten magpies fighting over the corpse of a recently dead fellow magpie signify? I’m guessing it’s probably not going to be a good omen.

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Inane Banter

What’s a brother with a cut finger to do?

There’s an advert on the telly at the moment for giving blood. It features people with plasters on their arms after giving blood. What I noticed was that all the plasters were the same fleshy coloured ones we all remember from school.

When i say fleshy, it’s fleshy if you happen to be white , well pinky. All the back people on the video were also wearing the same colour of plaster which as you can imagine doesn’t blend anywhere near as well.

Can you get brown plasters or do white supremacists run the plaster companies? I looked on the band-aid website and even the newish clear ones still have a pinky bit where the plaster is. The only other colour I can see is blue.

Even the smurfs get more respect!

Update

Sue from Stickyskin has emailed to say that they sell plasters for the darken skinned cutee. As she was nice enough to send me the link privately ratherthan spam it all over the comments I’ll post it here. Stickyskin.*

* I’ve never used them personally so don’t blame me if they run off with your money to set up a plaster based commune in the Seychelles.**

** I’m pretty sure they won’t.

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Inane Banter

Before you fire off the letter of complaint try this test

If you happen to live in Britain and have a head you will of heard of the current storm over Russell Brand’s radio show in which they left answer machine messages for Andrew Sachs of Faulty Towers fame. The message could have and indeed did offend Mr. Sachs. It also managed to offend about 2 other people enough to complain.

Then the media got hold of it and all hell broke loose. By the end of next week I fully expect Brand and Ross to have been expelled from planet Earth. It’s that convoluted that the BBC have published a timeline!

If however you find yourself one of the 6 people left who aren’t sure whether to be outraged or not try this simple test. Just click on their fizzogs and follow the simple flow chart.*

*May not actually be simple enough for Sun readers. Like they’re going to write a letter anyway.

Take the test
Take the test
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Inane Banter

Help the Aged

You know how some celebrities and kids wear smartish jackets on top of casual gear. Jeans and a t-shirt with a nice black or brown jacket, that sort of thing.

Do you know the age where if you dress like that you cease to look trendy but in fact look like a tramp.

I’ve crossed that age as I found out when I caught a look at myself reflected in a shop window the other day.

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Inane Banter

Postman Pat Built My Hotrod

I suppose it was inevitable but it appears that Postman Pat is too sedate for todays ADD riddled school kids. Gone is tootling around a little village delivering post. Now he’s on special delivery and this involves the use of gyrocopters and bullet-time cat rescuing set in the big smoke. There are a few flaws with this.

  • Couriers don’t get access to gyrocopters or speedy delivery. In reality they tend kick your parcel around a warehouse, decide it’s too heavy to bother delivering so pop round with a “you were out” card and do a runner before you reach the front door so you have to travel to back-end of shitville-on-sea to collect it.
  • Surely a pumped up Pat would replace Jess the cat with a tiger or at least a pitbull?
  • He still looks like a nerdy, speccy-eyed, pube-headed twat.
  • Does this mean his old rural post office has been closed down due to lack of custom or is it now a spar with a post office that opens for 5 seconds on the 3rd Tuesday of the month?

What’s next? Chorlton’s Pimp My Wheelie? Pob carrying a knife as well as spitting everywhere? The playschool house being knocked down and turned into apartments? Tony Hart doing a Banksy?

Personally I’m looking forward to Crystal Tipps, Turning Tricks.

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Inane Banter

I spy with my little eye something beggining with Twa.

It’s a dangerous world out there. Half the middle east want to wipe you off the planet, the Russians are going back to their old ways and it seems like even your gran is carrying a knife these days.

The Americans spend billions each year on the CIA to keep tabs on dodgy types and potential dodgy types. They have fingers in all sorts of pies, some of the fingers may not even be their own and the pies may not even have real pastry. The Russian SVR does the same only their fingers have gloves on and the pie is vodka pie.

Both groups attempt to outdo each other and keep on top of external trouble-makers but what about us British? The once proud ruler of most of the world and home of Ian Flemming. What do our spies do to keep up this dangerous and secretive profession?

We send a bloke on telly with a dodgy moustache.

Roger Moore doesn’t seem quite so shit now.

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Inane Banter

Power is an Aphrodisiac After All

You’re in your thirties, you’ve worked hard, got a great education, high paid job all the trimmings.

Then it all pays off, you finally get a taste of real power. You become an elected member of your government. It doesn’t get much better than this.

Three days into your new job you have a few drinks at a party and before you know it you’re semi-naked and uttering the immortal words, “Look at this, I’m titty-fucking your mother!”

Matt Brown, I salute you.

The part that upsets me most is the fact he is about the same age as me and has managed to not only achieve power but also managed to titty-fuck it away again. The closest I get to tasting power is licking a battery.

Note anyone wishing to bestow power on me: I promise not to throw it away by attempting to have a go on someone’s tits.*

* Within the first week.**

** Having said that it would be a great thing to bring up at future interviews.

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Inane Banter

Welcome To Our New Black Hole Dwelling Masters

So far the proton smashing doodad has failed to kill us all. There’s not even a whiff of destruction or invading creatures pouring through a rift in space.

Come on boffins, this is your moment to shine, at least make the sky a bit darker and maybe a bit of lightning.

Update – In case anybody wants up to date information on whether the earth has been destroyed they should go to this website. Or, you know, look out of the window. If you don’t have a window any more it’s probably safe to assume the earth is being destroyed. Have you always had that yawning chasm of nothingness in your back garden? That’s another clue.

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Inane Banter

Useful Advice

This advice is for a guy who works in the same building as me but it’s useful enough that I thought I’d share in case anybody else finds themselves in a similar situation.

The door has a little metal bit on the inside.

Turning this little bit of metal clockwise has two functions.

Firstly on the outside of the door a little window goes from white to red.

Secondly it stops the door from being opened.

And that should save you having to apologise to people when you’re having a piss in a public building.

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Inane Banter

Just Doing My Bit

Across the night sky I spotted the searchlight silhouette. The shadowy shape in the middle of the searchlight looked like a dog. But this was no ordinary dog, for this dog had tits.

I knew what I must do. It’s times like these that truly test us. Time to step up to the plate.

Dog with tits

Just doing my bit to help save the dog with tits.